I have been thinking a lot about relationships lately. To be honest, it is not unusual for me to be thinking about people, relationships, behavior, and interactions. Perhaps that has become obvious by now? Lately a lot of my life has been focused on whether or not my sweetie and I will be allowed to marry in December. You see, in Washington state the lawmakers decided to make marriage equality a reality. It was awesome. Then we heard that the opposition would be able to file a referendum to overturn the new law via putting it to a popular vote on the November ballot. Crazy right? All of the major players in a state decide to give equal rights to a group of people, only to find out that haters can take those rights away by investing millions in a smear campaign against that group and raising a big stink.
I want to know how human rights, that have to do with federal and state laws, can be decided by a popular vote. I mean, who decided that was a good idea? Back in the days of segregation the issue of civil rights was never put up for a popular vote. Bigots protested, assassinated people, committed hate crimes left and right, but were never able to vote on the rights of African-Americans. Why is it okay now? Why is it okay to say that lgbtq folks are different? Aren't we all human being sharing this planet? This has made me really examine what is at the core of this movement against us, aka "the haters". There is one clear answer and it really is pretty obvious - fear.
We, humans, fear the unknown. Because of religion and the shame associated with being an lgbtq person in our society, there is not a realistic view of what lgbtq people are like. There are pictures on the news of scantily clad people in pride parades. There are images created in churches, on the internet, and in homes across America, that paint us as pedophiles, perverts, and disease-laden monsters. We have been vilified to the extent that many people live in constant fear of us, thinking we are going to invade the safety of their little lives and touch them or their children in an inappropriate manner. We are coming to "recruit" for our cause and want to steal their children away. Does this sound familiar? It is the same "fear" propaganda they used to blacklist people suspected of being Communists, and against African-Americans back in the days before the Civil Rights movement.
Unfortunately the common tool is religion. It is easy to just tell everyone you fear that God says they are an abomination and that you are "just doing God's will" when you hate and want to oppress those people. And guess what? As soon as those folks judge us, they are going against God's will. How quickly they forget, "Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than this." True Christians love unconditionally and hate no one. It really is that simple. It is sad how many people have been brainwashed to believe the propaganda against us.
The reality is this-
1.We put our pants on one leg at a time, just like the average hetero person.
2. AIDS is more common among heterosexuals than homosexuals.
3. The majority of pedophiles are hetero, white males.
4. Lgbtq people are born, not brainwashed, not recruited.
5. Science is factual and has proven homos are born that way.
6. Jesus never said one thing about sexuality and never condemned lgbtq folks.
7. If we followed everything in Leviticus, in the Bible, heteros would be in BIG trouble for a lot of things. (people need to stop picking and choosing what to follow in the Bible. All or nothing folks!)
Okay, now that I've vented a bit and addressed the issue of "the haters", who don't want for us to get married, I will get back to some positive stuff. I met my sweetie 2 1/2 years ago when I was getting ready for a gallery show. The gallery owner knew her and introduced us. It was a slow courtship, but after 5 months we were officially a couple. I knew I had found the person I had been waiting for my whole life. I can't describe it, we just clicked in a way I had never experienced before.
I will admit that it wasn't immediate fireworks and passion, because we were both nervous and introverted. It built slowly. I wasn't even consciously looking for someone at the time. I was focused on art work and things in my life had been getting more and more positive, and then...bam! There it was. We were in a relationship.
Very quickly we felt like we had known each other for much longer that we had. Our relationship is comfortable, yet exciting. Sweet and cuddly, yet fun and adventurous. We share everything with each other. After so many years with a jealous ex, it has been a revelation. I can write what I want, create what I want, have friends and do things whenever I want. No judgement. No guilt. And we can talk to each other about anything. Again, no judgement, just support. I cannot tell you what a difference it has made in my life. She loves me for who I really am. All of my body issues, insecurities, etc. that I grew up with, she supports me and loves me unconditionally. A revelation.
I really think one of the reasons the divorce rate is so high is because couples don't take time to be together away from all of the distractions of life. We make time for each other. We help each other. If I say I really need a flat head screw driver, she will find one. If I am hungry, she cooks for me. And it is mutual. I would do whatever I could for her. To ease her pain or worry, to make sure she has what she needs. Having been the one who gave and gave in prior relationships with nothing in return, I can see now how big of a difference it makes. We each feel supported and fulfilled. We work on projects together and help each other succeed. There is no ego, bitterness, deceit, or manipulation.
We are both poor artists, but are happy with what we have. Don't get me wrong, we would like to not struggle to pay bills and such, but we don't need expensive dinners, new clothes, fancy gadgets bought on credit, a brand new car, etc. I think it has a lot to do with our level of happiness. Simple things make us happy - growing food, hanging out with our chickens, just sitting around talking or watching a movie. It doesn't take much. I think people get too caught up in the day to day stuff and don't make time to appreciate each other. Why can't people be happy with less? Or with the body they have? I blame television, media outlets, popular culture, Hollywood, the fashion and advertising industries, and anyone who judges others in order to feel superior.
Will it ever change? I predict it will only get worse. Kids today are tuned out and only care about what they are told to like. They only have a limited view of the world as it is and it has all been programmed by big money corporations who don't want them to have minds of their own. On a positive note, they say the younger generations support equality and are against the path that the haters travel down. Somehow, the majority have decided that they are full of it and I am curious to see what will happen in that department. In the meantime, I am remaining very optimistic that I will be "allowed" to marry my sweetie after the November election this year. Washington appears to be on our side and that gives me hope.
I often wonder if those who hate us even know any actual lgbtq people, at least ones that are out of the closet? People tell us that we should be the poster children for the cause because we are so sweet and perfect together. I won't argue, but many minds out there are so closed off it probably wouldn't make a difference. We just need to keep being ourselves, along with all of the other lovely lgbtq folks out there, and just hope that each person we meet will see we are not any of those things I listed previously and stand up for our civil rights. In the words of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., "I have a dream...", and I do. I want to see love overtake hate, understanding overtake fear, and more unconditional acceptance for all, just the way we are - each and every one of us. I can dream, can't I?
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Dealing with Loss and Regret
I spoke about being a disappointment in my last post. Recently a good friend of mine passed away. The news was sudden and through a 3rd party. I won't lie, it hurt, a lot. We had been inseparable, but had lost touch over the last couple of years. She was well on her way back after recovering from a stroke and I had a new life which included starting at a new school and a new, serious relationship. I would think about her all of the time and tell myself I needed to make time to call, but I didn't. She, in turn, didn't call me. I admit it, I was guilty of letting our relationship fall onto a back-burner. It has been really hard for me to face that fact, that I neglected someone I loved and never got to say goodbye.
We met when I was a student and she was my professor. I was at a cross-road in my life and she was the key to my escaping my old life and starting over, the person who believed in me and kicked my ass. From the first class I had with her I knew I wanted to be friends with her. She was quite a bit older than I was, but we immediately connected. I have to tell you that I've never really seen age as an issue, and I think those who can't relate to people of different ages really don't know what they're missing. Anyway, we were immediately smitten with one another and became fast friends. She listened to my stories about my now-ex who was emotionally abusive, tried to take credit for my work, and was so jealous and envious that I couldn't have friends, go places, keep a journal, or talk about my feelings or what I needed. I even stopped writing poetry and music. When I started making art again, she and her sister often made fun or talked about me behind my back. The only time she ever encouraged me was when I was making art to sell in order to support us. There is so much more to this story, but I am talking about my dear friend and want to get back to that now.
Rhoda, my friend and mentor, was a brilliant artist. I can't describe the amount of work that went into each of her projects. They were stunning, beautiful, and unique. The first time I ever saw her studio I was taken with her sketches, journals of written research, the amount of work that she put into making sure each detail was perfect. She was showing me new work in progress, nude self-portraits, and I photographed her with my twin-lens camera as she spoke about them. We also went out on field trips and sometimes I would photograph her as she worked. I wish I'd photographed her more.
We spoke about upcoming projects, things we were both working on, life, love, art, food, everything. She was there when I had my first post-breakup solo gallery show. She knew the pain I had been in, what I had processed, and what the art on the walls meant. I had done everything but bleed for that artwork, and in order to escape that relationship. She hugged me that night and she was proud of me. It is just one of the bittersweet memories I am left with. We were going to work on a large environmental project together. It never happened. Now I'm going to hopefully carry on and create that project on my own.
Man I miss her. It is about a smile, a laugh, the way she said, "fuck it", so many little things. The last time we spoke I told her I wanted to get together to photograph her for a portrait series I'm working on of inspirational women in my life. She has to be a part of it. I screwed up. I was overly busy working on too many things, as usual. And then I was hit by a drunk driver. It messed up everything - my mind, my body, my work. I was recovering, going to multiple appointments, dealing with memory loss from my concussion, and I let our get together fall by the wayside. I also never heard from Rhoda during that time. When I finally got things under control, months had passed. I felt like shit about it. I called and left a message for Rhoda, explaining and asking to see her. I never heard back. I thought perhaps she'd had another stroke and was unable to contact me. More time went by.
I kept telling myself that I should go to her house and check on her.
And then more time passed and I saw a post on Facebook that a memorial was planned for her. I screamed, I cried, I was angry. I read more online and found out she had been ill with pancreatic cancer for more than a year. She had done an installation which addressed her facing death. She had planned her post-mortem art installation. And she hadn't told me one word about it. Yep, I was not told one word about what was going on with her. I also had allowed myself to separate from her and that was my fault. After spending some time working through all of my feelings I've come to realize that we are both to blame for the emotional mess I am now left with. Perhaps she didn't want to burden me because I was living my happily ever after. She knew when she had her stroke I was there, 24/7 for her. If I knew about her illness I would want to be there for her. Maybe that was enough for her to keep things to herself. I will never know. If she thought she was doing me a favor, she was wrong. All I have of her are memories, a handful of photos, a feminist book from the 70s from her collection she gave me for my birthday, and regrets. And an empty space inside that eventually will heal with time.
I let her down, I let myself down. I feel like a disappointment to myself and I will always wonder if I was one to her. As much as I am learning to let go of what others expect of me, and the idea that I am disappointing others when I can't live up to their expectations, it will take a while to work through this. I have to remind myself that she held me at arms-length from her while knowing she was dying. For whatever reason, she did. I have to love her, keep my memories of her close to my heart, and let her go. I am happy she was in my life at all. I know how fortunate I was to have crossed paths with her in the first place. As I always say, everything happens for a reason. Life goes on.
“Am I closer to death than you? Does it matter if I am?
We all tell ourselves that we could die tomorrow, but do we really believe it? Why do we have so much fear talking about death in very personal terms? Am I more willing to discuss death when it’s not my death?” ~Rhoda London
We met when I was a student and she was my professor. I was at a cross-road in my life and she was the key to my escaping my old life and starting over, the person who believed in me and kicked my ass. From the first class I had with her I knew I wanted to be friends with her. She was quite a bit older than I was, but we immediately connected. I have to tell you that I've never really seen age as an issue, and I think those who can't relate to people of different ages really don't know what they're missing. Anyway, we were immediately smitten with one another and became fast friends. She listened to my stories about my now-ex who was emotionally abusive, tried to take credit for my work, and was so jealous and envious that I couldn't have friends, go places, keep a journal, or talk about my feelings or what I needed. I even stopped writing poetry and music. When I started making art again, she and her sister often made fun or talked about me behind my back. The only time she ever encouraged me was when I was making art to sell in order to support us. There is so much more to this story, but I am talking about my dear friend and want to get back to that now.
Rhoda, my friend and mentor, was a brilliant artist. I can't describe the amount of work that went into each of her projects. They were stunning, beautiful, and unique. The first time I ever saw her studio I was taken with her sketches, journals of written research, the amount of work that she put into making sure each detail was perfect. She was showing me new work in progress, nude self-portraits, and I photographed her with my twin-lens camera as she spoke about them. We also went out on field trips and sometimes I would photograph her as she worked. I wish I'd photographed her more.
We spoke about upcoming projects, things we were both working on, life, love, art, food, everything. She was there when I had my first post-breakup solo gallery show. She knew the pain I had been in, what I had processed, and what the art on the walls meant. I had done everything but bleed for that artwork, and in order to escape that relationship. She hugged me that night and she was proud of me. It is just one of the bittersweet memories I am left with. We were going to work on a large environmental project together. It never happened. Now I'm going to hopefully carry on and create that project on my own.
Man I miss her. It is about a smile, a laugh, the way she said, "fuck it", so many little things. The last time we spoke I told her I wanted to get together to photograph her for a portrait series I'm working on of inspirational women in my life. She has to be a part of it. I screwed up. I was overly busy working on too many things, as usual. And then I was hit by a drunk driver. It messed up everything - my mind, my body, my work. I was recovering, going to multiple appointments, dealing with memory loss from my concussion, and I let our get together fall by the wayside. I also never heard from Rhoda during that time. When I finally got things under control, months had passed. I felt like shit about it. I called and left a message for Rhoda, explaining and asking to see her. I never heard back. I thought perhaps she'd had another stroke and was unable to contact me. More time went by.
I kept telling myself that I should go to her house and check on her.
And then more time passed and I saw a post on Facebook that a memorial was planned for her. I screamed, I cried, I was angry. I read more online and found out she had been ill with pancreatic cancer for more than a year. She had done an installation which addressed her facing death. She had planned her post-mortem art installation. And she hadn't told me one word about it. Yep, I was not told one word about what was going on with her. I also had allowed myself to separate from her and that was my fault. After spending some time working through all of my feelings I've come to realize that we are both to blame for the emotional mess I am now left with. Perhaps she didn't want to burden me because I was living my happily ever after. She knew when she had her stroke I was there, 24/7 for her. If I knew about her illness I would want to be there for her. Maybe that was enough for her to keep things to herself. I will never know. If she thought she was doing me a favor, she was wrong. All I have of her are memories, a handful of photos, a feminist book from the 70s from her collection she gave me for my birthday, and regrets. And an empty space inside that eventually will heal with time.
I let her down, I let myself down. I feel like a disappointment to myself and I will always wonder if I was one to her. As much as I am learning to let go of what others expect of me, and the idea that I am disappointing others when I can't live up to their expectations, it will take a while to work through this. I have to remind myself that she held me at arms-length from her while knowing she was dying. For whatever reason, she did. I have to love her, keep my memories of her close to my heart, and let her go. I am happy she was in my life at all. I know how fortunate I was to have crossed paths with her in the first place. As I always say, everything happens for a reason. Life goes on.
“Am I closer to death than you? Does it matter if I am?
We all tell ourselves that we could die tomorrow, but do we really believe it? Why do we have so much fear talking about death in very personal terms? Am I more willing to discuss death when it’s not my death?” ~Rhoda London
A video documenting the creation of one of the pieces from Rhoda's gallery show about death.
Friday, May 25, 2012
I am Not a Disappointment
I have long-lived my life afraid of one thing, and it's not what you might think. Yes spiders bother me, and so do other things that can be considered creepy, but my fear comes from a different place. It is tied to my self-esteem and confidence issues that developed from my experiences as a "fat person". Here it is, the truth; I have always been afraid of being a disappointment. Yep, to my parents, teachers, peers, significant others and even to people I meet and don't really know well. I confess, it is really hard to put that burden on yourself all of the time. In fact, it is exhausting.
I tend to make light of it now, because I want to move on and leave it behind me, but I have spent the majority of my life being eaten up by self-hatred. It started with the way I was treated by my mom, pediatrician, and others because I was a "fat" kid. I was full of negative emotions and associations because my body was not considered desirable, not up to society's standards. This is what I was told from the time I was old enough to understand what was going on and I took it to heart. Every child does. This is what I believed and it has had long-lasting affects on me.
I couldn't shop in the junior's department as a teenager. No Jordache or Calvin Klein jeans for me during the heyday of designer jeans and Brooke Shields saying, "No one comes between me and my Calvins" in magazines and on giant billboards. This was a great disappointment to my mother, who wanted to dress me in the latest girly fashions from birth until she finally gave up when I was in my 30s. Additionally, society told me that there was no hope of my ever being considered sexually desirable, or of achieving the fantasy life that I'd read about in fairy tales as a child. No, the knight in shining armor was not going to come for me because I was different. It took me a long, long time to realize that I did not need the validation of others. That someone would find me sexually attractive, just as I am. That I am every bit as worthy of love and respect as anyone else. That I had to learn to love myself and let go of the expectations of others. I have had to battle under the weight of all of this and the belief that I have never been good enough. All of this led to my fear of being a disappointment.
So, what do you do when you realize you've wasted years of your life trying to be something you're not and feeling like a huge failure because of it? You crawl out of the hole of negativity you've dug for yourself and keep putting one foot in front of the other. I've spent the past 6-7 years doing increasingly intensive work on myself, trying to get to the bottom of my issues and rid myself of them. I realized the only way I was going to make any progress was through baby steps. I started by not putting unrealistic expectations on myself. Every time we expect to make a huge change, and then can't follow through, we are setting ourselves up for failure. We are human, we make mistakes. The sooner we can accept that, the easier it is to stop beating ourselves up.
Often I am asked to give a step by step explanation of my journey. If only it were that simple and there was a one-size-fits-all answer to eliminating the fear, loneliness, sadness, and self-medicating ways of the world. We are all different, living through our own experiences. I can't tell you how to magically fix your problems. There is no one "diet" that will work for everyone. There is no one way to change all of our issues. There is no magic wand. It took me many years of telling myself I was finally going to change and things were going to be great, followed by epic failure, to figure that out. Here is a list of some examples of things I did, and still do, to finally make changes stick. I will stress that I am still a work in progress, it is a never ending process. There is no such thing as perfection. I mess up, we all do, but the key is to forgive yourself and get back on track as soon as possible.
1. Going to the gym, even if it is for 45 minutes to walk on the treadmill.
It helps me to clear my thoughts and focus on things I should be doing. I ignore everyone else there and just focus on myself and zone out a bit. It's like meditation, in a way. I also enjoy getting exercise and always feel better after I've made myself go. It's not always easy to get motivated, but once I go I feel great.
2. Cutting negative people out of my life.
I do not allow anyone to speak negatively to me, about me or others, and often spend my time calling people out when I hear hate-speech or people being mean to others. I have no patience for those kind of people and do not allow them access to me. Every person is important and their experience is their own. When others try to judge or fit them/me into a mold it really sends me back to my childhood and I will not tolerate it. If someone is making you feel bad about yourself, for whatever reason, you should not give them access to you.
3. Surrounding myself with positive people who love me just the way I am.
I cannot tell you how important this is. When people genuinely love you for you, it makes you feel like you can do anything. It makes my heart happy. I smile and look at things in a whole new way. A positive support system is a powerful thing. I wish everyone had one and there were no lonely, bullied and/or sad people out there. We all deserve love and a safe place with others where we can be ourselves.
4. Changing my eating habits.
This has had a HUGE impact on how I feel and look. I started by cutting out fast food and soda and have worked my way up to a mostly organic, vegetarian diet. It took years to do, but it wasn't that hard when I really focused on how good I was feeling once I had detoxed all of the chemicals and crap out of my system. I still drink coffee and tea. Caffeine is one thing I still allow myself to have. I have lost over 60 pounds. It didn't happen overnight - you have to be patient and not be making changes just for quick gratification. Baby steps. I function better mentally, physically, sexually, and emotionally. I am still heavy and losing more weight gradually, but man do I feel better. One day at a time, right?
5. Forgiveness, for yourself and others.
I know it isn't easy to truly forgive others for things that have happened to you in your life. It is hard to even talk about things like abuse, neglect, shame, ridicule, bullying, humiliation, and worse - all of the horrible things we humans do to one another. But we have to. We need to. Nothing can ever change unless we are able to try to process what happened to us, or others, and begin to let go of the emotional baggage we carry. Guess what? Hurting ourselves over and over again, punishing ourselves because something horrible happened to us, is only going to make us hold on to those negative feelings. It is really freaking hard to do this, but in the end it is a gift we can give ourselves. And we are the only ones who can do that. As soon as I started to let go of the emotional abuse I held on to, as well as the other emotions tied to it, I started to look at things differently. I felt lighter, more at peace. Believe me, I have cried and shouted and screamed at myself over things that I have endured. I was in a long-term, emotionally abusive relationship, because my self-esteem was so low and I thought I didn't deserve better. It ended horribly - I mean HORRIBLY, but I limped away and that was when I really made the biggest changes in my life. I can look back now, 3 years after that break-up, and see it was something I had to endure to free myself. Don't get me wrong, I still have flashbacks and times when I am triggered by something and I am right back there, in that horrible place. It is a form of PTSD and who knows if it will ever completely go away. The difference is that I pulled myself out and am no longer that person I was. I have moved on. The emotions may come back, but then I realize I am free of that person, of any other burdens from my life, and that I am loved for who I am now. It's amazing what a difference it makes.
I'll return and add more next time. For now, just know that you are unique and deserve to be loved for who you are. I am not a disappointment and neither are you. You are imperfect and flawed, and so am I. And that's okay - I love us just the way we are.
I tend to make light of it now, because I want to move on and leave it behind me, but I have spent the majority of my life being eaten up by self-hatred. It started with the way I was treated by my mom, pediatrician, and others because I was a "fat" kid. I was full of negative emotions and associations because my body was not considered desirable, not up to society's standards. This is what I was told from the time I was old enough to understand what was going on and I took it to heart. Every child does. This is what I believed and it has had long-lasting affects on me.
I couldn't shop in the junior's department as a teenager. No Jordache or Calvin Klein jeans for me during the heyday of designer jeans and Brooke Shields saying, "No one comes between me and my Calvins" in magazines and on giant billboards. This was a great disappointment to my mother, who wanted to dress me in the latest girly fashions from birth until she finally gave up when I was in my 30s. Additionally, society told me that there was no hope of my ever being considered sexually desirable, or of achieving the fantasy life that I'd read about in fairy tales as a child. No, the knight in shining armor was not going to come for me because I was different. It took me a long, long time to realize that I did not need the validation of others. That someone would find me sexually attractive, just as I am. That I am every bit as worthy of love and respect as anyone else. That I had to learn to love myself and let go of the expectations of others. I have had to battle under the weight of all of this and the belief that I have never been good enough. All of this led to my fear of being a disappointment.
So, what do you do when you realize you've wasted years of your life trying to be something you're not and feeling like a huge failure because of it? You crawl out of the hole of negativity you've dug for yourself and keep putting one foot in front of the other. I've spent the past 6-7 years doing increasingly intensive work on myself, trying to get to the bottom of my issues and rid myself of them. I realized the only way I was going to make any progress was through baby steps. I started by not putting unrealistic expectations on myself. Every time we expect to make a huge change, and then can't follow through, we are setting ourselves up for failure. We are human, we make mistakes. The sooner we can accept that, the easier it is to stop beating ourselves up.
Often I am asked to give a step by step explanation of my journey. If only it were that simple and there was a one-size-fits-all answer to eliminating the fear, loneliness, sadness, and self-medicating ways of the world. We are all different, living through our own experiences. I can't tell you how to magically fix your problems. There is no one "diet" that will work for everyone. There is no one way to change all of our issues. There is no magic wand. It took me many years of telling myself I was finally going to change and things were going to be great, followed by epic failure, to figure that out. Here is a list of some examples of things I did, and still do, to finally make changes stick. I will stress that I am still a work in progress, it is a never ending process. There is no such thing as perfection. I mess up, we all do, but the key is to forgive yourself and get back on track as soon as possible.
1. Going to the gym, even if it is for 45 minutes to walk on the treadmill.
It helps me to clear my thoughts and focus on things I should be doing. I ignore everyone else there and just focus on myself and zone out a bit. It's like meditation, in a way. I also enjoy getting exercise and always feel better after I've made myself go. It's not always easy to get motivated, but once I go I feel great.
2. Cutting negative people out of my life.
I do not allow anyone to speak negatively to me, about me or others, and often spend my time calling people out when I hear hate-speech or people being mean to others. I have no patience for those kind of people and do not allow them access to me. Every person is important and their experience is their own. When others try to judge or fit them/me into a mold it really sends me back to my childhood and I will not tolerate it. If someone is making you feel bad about yourself, for whatever reason, you should not give them access to you.
3. Surrounding myself with positive people who love me just the way I am.
I cannot tell you how important this is. When people genuinely love you for you, it makes you feel like you can do anything. It makes my heart happy. I smile and look at things in a whole new way. A positive support system is a powerful thing. I wish everyone had one and there were no lonely, bullied and/or sad people out there. We all deserve love and a safe place with others where we can be ourselves.
4. Changing my eating habits.
This has had a HUGE impact on how I feel and look. I started by cutting out fast food and soda and have worked my way up to a mostly organic, vegetarian diet. It took years to do, but it wasn't that hard when I really focused on how good I was feeling once I had detoxed all of the chemicals and crap out of my system. I still drink coffee and tea. Caffeine is one thing I still allow myself to have. I have lost over 60 pounds. It didn't happen overnight - you have to be patient and not be making changes just for quick gratification. Baby steps. I function better mentally, physically, sexually, and emotionally. I am still heavy and losing more weight gradually, but man do I feel better. One day at a time, right?
5. Forgiveness, for yourself and others.
I know it isn't easy to truly forgive others for things that have happened to you in your life. It is hard to even talk about things like abuse, neglect, shame, ridicule, bullying, humiliation, and worse - all of the horrible things we humans do to one another. But we have to. We need to. Nothing can ever change unless we are able to try to process what happened to us, or others, and begin to let go of the emotional baggage we carry. Guess what? Hurting ourselves over and over again, punishing ourselves because something horrible happened to us, is only going to make us hold on to those negative feelings. It is really freaking hard to do this, but in the end it is a gift we can give ourselves. And we are the only ones who can do that. As soon as I started to let go of the emotional abuse I held on to, as well as the other emotions tied to it, I started to look at things differently. I felt lighter, more at peace. Believe me, I have cried and shouted and screamed at myself over things that I have endured. I was in a long-term, emotionally abusive relationship, because my self-esteem was so low and I thought I didn't deserve better. It ended horribly - I mean HORRIBLY, but I limped away and that was when I really made the biggest changes in my life. I can look back now, 3 years after that break-up, and see it was something I had to endure to free myself. Don't get me wrong, I still have flashbacks and times when I am triggered by something and I am right back there, in that horrible place. It is a form of PTSD and who knows if it will ever completely go away. The difference is that I pulled myself out and am no longer that person I was. I have moved on. The emotions may come back, but then I realize I am free of that person, of any other burdens from my life, and that I am loved for who I am now. It's amazing what a difference it makes.
I'll return and add more next time. For now, just know that you are unique and deserve to be loved for who you are. I am not a disappointment and neither are you. You are imperfect and flawed, and so am I. And that's okay - I love us just the way we are.
Monday, April 9, 2012
Surprise! I took a break and I'm back.
I always make a vow to do a better job with keeping up with things like this blog. It only takes a few minutes to jot down my thoughts throughout the day and it certainly isn't painful to sit and write for 20 minutes or so, every so often. Yet, I still get caught up in the day to day and forget, or let myself slack because I can't string my thoughts together. In my defense, since my accident last summer I have had problems with focusing my thoughts and capturing what I want to say in a neat and orderly fashion. It can be frustrating and it makes it easier to just cop out and not try.
I am in a position now where I need to write and can no longer let myself off of the hook. Deadlines are looming and I'm also starting a new blog with a good friend of mine and will need to write for that as well. Currently, I'm pondering what to write about for my next zine. The Portland Zine Symposium is coming up and I need to start working on it now, to avoid the last-minute panic. I also will be giving updates on my months as a vegan, which is still an on-going lifestyle for me. Until then... :)
I am in a position now where I need to write and can no longer let myself off of the hook. Deadlines are looming and I'm also starting a new blog with a good friend of mine and will need to write for that as well. Currently, I'm pondering what to write about for my next zine. The Portland Zine Symposium is coming up and I need to start working on it now, to avoid the last-minute panic. I also will be giving updates on my months as a vegan, which is still an on-going lifestyle for me. Until then... :)
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Day 4
I'm starting to settle into looking at food from a vegan perspective. I don't have to eat what others consider to be a "normal" breakfast. This morning I cut up and fried one of the potatoes I'd baked previously with onion and then sauteed zucchini and spinach and topped it with sliced avocado. It was a filling, yet light and tasty meal. I had my morning tea, Darjeeling, and felt pretty satisfied with everything. I didn't miss having an egg with my potatoes at all.
We went to a place in Portland known as "food church". Every Sunday people line up and then are allowed to come in and take what they need from piles of food sourced from local stores - New Seasons, Trader Joe's, Whole Foods, etc. We were 3rd in line and I picked up a few potatoes and yams, bananas, cantaloupe, grapefruit, small tomatoes and chopped veggies for stir-fry. I also picked up 2 types of bread and allowed myself one bagel. All of this food is food that major grocery chains would throw into their garbage compactors and fortunately for those on the lower income levels, like myself, these people collect and distribute food that is past it's prime or imperfect. I can't explain how wonderful it is to have a source of good quality, mostly organic, vegetarian/vegan foods when you have little or no money. It is priceless.
I just wish more American businesses felt like giving to those in need instead of chucking less-than-perfect items into a trash compactor that crushes and makes sure no one can benefit in any way. They just produce more trash for the landfills. There used to be a time when employees could purchase or take home expired or damaged goods. Companies have become so paranoid of employees deliberately damaging items or benefiting in some way from having access to these things, that they do not allow, and go to great lengths to make sure they don't, get to take any of these items for re-use.
I could go more into detail about my experiences with that, but I'd rather not get sued right now. I will say that I have worked for both Michaels and Home Depot and they make sure things end up in the landfill - no ifs, ands or buts. Michaels will actually have employees spray paint on or break items before they go into the dumpster to prevent re-use. Okay, I've said enough for now. It makes it all the more rewarding to see people working to re-distribute food, something this country wastes by the ton, to those in need.
Later in the day Sam re-created my new favorite sandwich, one I had yesterday at Sweetpea Baking Company in Portland. It is "grilled cheese" (Daiya cheddar) with smoked maple tempeh and avocado on wheat, or in this case, 7 grain bread, because it's what I received from food church. It's delightful comfort food and I highly recommend it. Pair it with any number of delicious side dishes and it's a quick and easy winner that gives you a hug on the inside.
As for how I'm feeling today...no severe hunger pangs and I feel like my blood sugar may be stabilizing a bit with the new food combos. I feel like I'm processing the food, instead of it sitting in my stomach for a while. I don't feel "full", I feel satisfied. Hopefully that makes sense, but it's the best way I can describe it. I feel like my digestive system is really working quickly and the food is not sitting for long. At the same time I'm not ravenously hungry and feel more calm about getting to my next meal. It's a good thing and I'm looking forward to reporting how I feel on day 7.
We went to a place in Portland known as "food church". Every Sunday people line up and then are allowed to come in and take what they need from piles of food sourced from local stores - New Seasons, Trader Joe's, Whole Foods, etc. We were 3rd in line and I picked up a few potatoes and yams, bananas, cantaloupe, grapefruit, small tomatoes and chopped veggies for stir-fry. I also picked up 2 types of bread and allowed myself one bagel. All of this food is food that major grocery chains would throw into their garbage compactors and fortunately for those on the lower income levels, like myself, these people collect and distribute food that is past it's prime or imperfect. I can't explain how wonderful it is to have a source of good quality, mostly organic, vegetarian/vegan foods when you have little or no money. It is priceless.
I just wish more American businesses felt like giving to those in need instead of chucking less-than-perfect items into a trash compactor that crushes and makes sure no one can benefit in any way. They just produce more trash for the landfills. There used to be a time when employees could purchase or take home expired or damaged goods. Companies have become so paranoid of employees deliberately damaging items or benefiting in some way from having access to these things, that they do not allow, and go to great lengths to make sure they don't, get to take any of these items for re-use.
I could go more into detail about my experiences with that, but I'd rather not get sued right now. I will say that I have worked for both Michaels and Home Depot and they make sure things end up in the landfill - no ifs, ands or buts. Michaels will actually have employees spray paint on or break items before they go into the dumpster to prevent re-use. Okay, I've said enough for now. It makes it all the more rewarding to see people working to re-distribute food, something this country wastes by the ton, to those in need.
Later in the day Sam re-created my new favorite sandwich, one I had yesterday at Sweetpea Baking Company in Portland. It is "grilled cheese" (Daiya cheddar) with smoked maple tempeh and avocado on wheat, or in this case, 7 grain bread, because it's what I received from food church. It's delightful comfort food and I highly recommend it. Pair it with any number of delicious side dishes and it's a quick and easy winner that gives you a hug on the inside.
As for how I'm feeling today...no severe hunger pangs and I feel like my blood sugar may be stabilizing a bit with the new food combos. I feel like I'm processing the food, instead of it sitting in my stomach for a while. I don't feel "full", I feel satisfied. Hopefully that makes sense, but it's the best way I can describe it. I feel like my digestive system is really working quickly and the food is not sitting for long. At the same time I'm not ravenously hungry and feel more calm about getting to my next meal. It's a good thing and I'm looking forward to reporting how I feel on day 7.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Day 1
Today was my first official day as a vegan. I started off simply, with some organic cereal and soy milk. By lunchtime I was really wanting to eat something, but pushed on and went to my gallery to drop off some new work and talk about next month's show. I had a piece of French bread while there and just when I was starting to feel sick-hungry (my own fault for not being prepared), my girlfriend texted and invited me over for a meal and a smoothie. It was yummy and I was oh, so grateful.
I should explain that I don't do well when I'm hungry. I feel sick to my stomach and it comes on very quickly. It's just the way I am. Might have to do with my medication I take for diabetes. They're pills, so I'm guessing they are time-released. It would explain the sudden waves of hunger I get too.
I made a stop at the grocery store on my way home and picked up what I think are staples for quick and healthy meals. Quinoa pasta and polenta, red quinoa, spinach, carrots, potatoes, an onion, salsa, cucumber, green onions and avocados rounded out my buying for today. I have organic pasta sauce in a jar, a few of them, and it is really easy to slice and fry up polenta and top it with sauce and wilted spinach. I also planned and made a large quinoa salad for tonight and tomorrow using the green onions, cucumber, carrots and avocado. I toss it with my favorite dressing, Annie's Shitake Sesame. No sugar and no dairy = awesome.
I used this evening to bake 3 potatoes while I made the salad. I ate one and have the other two ready to fry up or re-heat when I get hungry tomorrow. I also have left over quinoa salad, so I think my lunch is taken care of. Yay! I'll most likely have cereal again in the morning because it is fast and easy. I need to switch back to unsweetened coconut milk or almond milk because I am upping my soy intake in other areas of my meals.
I had a talk with my mom tonight on the phone and explained to her what I can or can not eat now. She didn't know what quinoa was, so it gave me a chance to teach her something new. As old-fashioned as she is, it's nice to know she's at least trying to be supportive and understanding.
Today's biggest challenge was getting hungry and not having food nearby and ready to eat. I definitely need to work on keeping snacks in my car for times like that. Some of my faves are Primal Strips, nuts ( I like most of them and usually have a mixed bag with me), fresh fruit and in some cases a pbj sandwich. I'm sure this will evolve as I find myself needing more substantial snacks to curb those sudden hunger attacks.
I find myself looking ahead at day 2 and at least I know I have some prepared food handy and supplies to get me through a few more days. Go team vegan!
p.s. - I posted a status update on Facebook about going vegan and friends were supportive, but not nearly as many people "liked" it as did when I announced I was going vegetarian. Perhaps they think I'm radical now?
I should explain that I don't do well when I'm hungry. I feel sick to my stomach and it comes on very quickly. It's just the way I am. Might have to do with my medication I take for diabetes. They're pills, so I'm guessing they are time-released. It would explain the sudden waves of hunger I get too.
I made a stop at the grocery store on my way home and picked up what I think are staples for quick and healthy meals. Quinoa pasta and polenta, red quinoa, spinach, carrots, potatoes, an onion, salsa, cucumber, green onions and avocados rounded out my buying for today. I have organic pasta sauce in a jar, a few of them, and it is really easy to slice and fry up polenta and top it with sauce and wilted spinach. I also planned and made a large quinoa salad for tonight and tomorrow using the green onions, cucumber, carrots and avocado. I toss it with my favorite dressing, Annie's Shitake Sesame. No sugar and no dairy = awesome.
I used this evening to bake 3 potatoes while I made the salad. I ate one and have the other two ready to fry up or re-heat when I get hungry tomorrow. I also have left over quinoa salad, so I think my lunch is taken care of. Yay! I'll most likely have cereal again in the morning because it is fast and easy. I need to switch back to unsweetened coconut milk or almond milk because I am upping my soy intake in other areas of my meals.
I had a talk with my mom tonight on the phone and explained to her what I can or can not eat now. She didn't know what quinoa was, so it gave me a chance to teach her something new. As old-fashioned as she is, it's nice to know she's at least trying to be supportive and understanding.
Today's biggest challenge was getting hungry and not having food nearby and ready to eat. I definitely need to work on keeping snacks in my car for times like that. Some of my faves are Primal Strips, nuts ( I like most of them and usually have a mixed bag with me), fresh fruit and in some cases a pbj sandwich. I'm sure this will evolve as I find myself needing more substantial snacks to curb those sudden hunger attacks.
I find myself looking ahead at day 2 and at least I know I have some prepared food handy and supplies to get me through a few more days. Go team vegan!
p.s. - I posted a status update on Facebook about going vegan and friends were supportive, but not nearly as many people "liked" it as did when I announced I was going vegetarian. Perhaps they think I'm radical now?
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
And here's the problem with a bucket list...
I was feeling really happy about crossing things off of my bucket list. Something I didn't expect was the way it would make me feel physically. To deliberately go out and eat back to back to back foods that are very rich and loaded with dairy products does eventually take its toll. Especially when you are someone who is somewhat allergic to dairy.
Blech. That is how I feel right now. I was trying to rid my house of the last of the non-vegan foods yesterday and today and it just pushed me over the edge. I even had to turn down an invite to the Mongolian grill, one of my favorites, tonight. Argh! I don't even know if I can bring myself to eat the last 2 eggs in my fridge. It sounds ridiculous, but the thought of it makes me not want to eat. So, I will not eat, until this blech feeling passes. I think it was my eating the last Amy's cheese pizza for lunch that did it. Carbs + cheese = :/
On a positive note, I am just about ready to call myself a vegan. It's a scary first step and a big one, but I'm ready. I just need to buy a few groceries and make sure I'm prepared and I will give the green light and announce my new status on Facebook. That's how all things become official nowadays, right?
Blech. That is how I feel right now. I was trying to rid my house of the last of the non-vegan foods yesterday and today and it just pushed me over the edge. I even had to turn down an invite to the Mongolian grill, one of my favorites, tonight. Argh! I don't even know if I can bring myself to eat the last 2 eggs in my fridge. It sounds ridiculous, but the thought of it makes me not want to eat. So, I will not eat, until this blech feeling passes. I think it was my eating the last Amy's cheese pizza for lunch that did it. Carbs + cheese = :/
On a positive note, I am just about ready to call myself a vegan. It's a scary first step and a big one, but I'm ready. I just need to buy a few groceries and make sure I'm prepared and I will give the green light and announce my new status on Facebook. That's how all things become official nowadays, right?
Welcome to 2012. So far, so good.
I ushered in the new year by spending a quiet weekend with my partner on her farm. We spent the week before working our way through my "I'm going vegan, what foods will I miss bucket-list". We went for the best of local favorites with hand-made ice cream, pizza that you have to wait in line for, crepes, omelettes, and more. We rang in the new year with my mom's lasagna recipe (the vegetarian version), tiramisu (I'd never had it) and locally made marionberry cheesecake. It was an overload of rich and delicious dairy-filled foods.
Yes, I am going vegan. It's funny how people have reacted to this news. Some say, "How will you live without ______?" Usually it's ice cream, but sometimes other foods people can't believe I'd live without. Everyone has been supportive though. I am not going vegan in order to look down on others and judge them. I am not going to become a more radical activist than I already am. I will not suddenly hate meat-eaters. When I became a vegetarian I did it for moral and ethical reasons. I became someone who was happy to talk with people about factory farming, fast food and why they should care about where and how there food is produced. Going vegan is the next step for me and I am doing this strictly for my health.
Over the last year or so I have been reading a lot about research in regard to diabetes and heart disease. It has been proven that a vegan diet can cure or slow down these diseases. If my giving up ice cream and cheese will prolong my life and make me happy and healthy, why wouldn't I try it? The one thing I have learned is that you can have delicious pizza without cheese, sorbets, a latte with soy or almond milk and vegan baked goods so good you'll never know the difference. I am going to be just fine.
I live outside of Portland, Oregon. I am fortunate enough to be close to vegan-friendly restaurants and bakeries. I have many friends who are either vegetarian or vegan. They get it. I have already been flooded with suggestions for restaurants and blogs with recipies to try. My vegan friends want to help me every way possible. My partner is behind me 110% and is already cooking vegan meals for me and likes to help me when I talk about needing meal ideas. If anything, this is bringing us closer as a couple.
I know I sound like I have the world in the palm of my hand and this will be a piece of cake (vegan, of course). The truth is I am nervous and a bit scared that I will fail. We humans are exactly that, human. I am not the biggest go-getter when it comes to being creative with breakfast foods when I have to get to work or school. I have always fallen back on eggs and toast because it is quick and delicious. I have 5 beautiful chickens in my backyard who produce eggs and I will be handing them over to my partner and her mom to eat. This makes me a bit sad. In order to succeed, I have to get over these hurdles.
I have to face the fact that the one fast food place I frequent, because of their local and natural foods and vegetarian options, may be off of the table. Their vegetarian options generally contain cheese, which I can't have. This means I will not have an option to stop and grab food on the days when I'm rushing around. I will be forced to think ahead and have food prepared. I need to break out of some old habits, but I am going to do my best.
I also am making a pact with myself that I will return to the gym. I am still recovering from my accident last summer with the drunk driver, but it's time to start moving more. I also want to return to yoga classes, something I'd just started getting into when the accident happened. I'm going to be using this blog and my zine to share this adventure with whoever wants to follow along with me. I will share the things I learn and recipies I try, blogs and on-line resources, as well as my day to day emotions and results. Hopefully this will be a successful journey and I promise to do my best. Follow along and feel free to email me or comment with your feedback or suggestions. You can even join in if you'd like. Here's to 2012 - a year of health and happiness.
Yes, I am going vegan. It's funny how people have reacted to this news. Some say, "How will you live without ______?" Usually it's ice cream, but sometimes other foods people can't believe I'd live without. Everyone has been supportive though. I am not going vegan in order to look down on others and judge them. I am not going to become a more radical activist than I already am. I will not suddenly hate meat-eaters. When I became a vegetarian I did it for moral and ethical reasons. I became someone who was happy to talk with people about factory farming, fast food and why they should care about where and how there food is produced. Going vegan is the next step for me and I am doing this strictly for my health.
Over the last year or so I have been reading a lot about research in regard to diabetes and heart disease. It has been proven that a vegan diet can cure or slow down these diseases. If my giving up ice cream and cheese will prolong my life and make me happy and healthy, why wouldn't I try it? The one thing I have learned is that you can have delicious pizza without cheese, sorbets, a latte with soy or almond milk and vegan baked goods so good you'll never know the difference. I am going to be just fine.
I live outside of Portland, Oregon. I am fortunate enough to be close to vegan-friendly restaurants and bakeries. I have many friends who are either vegetarian or vegan. They get it. I have already been flooded with suggestions for restaurants and blogs with recipies to try. My vegan friends want to help me every way possible. My partner is behind me 110% and is already cooking vegan meals for me and likes to help me when I talk about needing meal ideas. If anything, this is bringing us closer as a couple.
I know I sound like I have the world in the palm of my hand and this will be a piece of cake (vegan, of course). The truth is I am nervous and a bit scared that I will fail. We humans are exactly that, human. I am not the biggest go-getter when it comes to being creative with breakfast foods when I have to get to work or school. I have always fallen back on eggs and toast because it is quick and delicious. I have 5 beautiful chickens in my backyard who produce eggs and I will be handing them over to my partner and her mom to eat. This makes me a bit sad. In order to succeed, I have to get over these hurdles.
I have to face the fact that the one fast food place I frequent, because of their local and natural foods and vegetarian options, may be off of the table. Their vegetarian options generally contain cheese, which I can't have. This means I will not have an option to stop and grab food on the days when I'm rushing around. I will be forced to think ahead and have food prepared. I need to break out of some old habits, but I am going to do my best.
I also am making a pact with myself that I will return to the gym. I am still recovering from my accident last summer with the drunk driver, but it's time to start moving more. I also want to return to yoga classes, something I'd just started getting into when the accident happened. I'm going to be using this blog and my zine to share this adventure with whoever wants to follow along with me. I will share the things I learn and recipies I try, blogs and on-line resources, as well as my day to day emotions and results. Hopefully this will be a successful journey and I promise to do my best. Follow along and feel free to email me or comment with your feedback or suggestions. You can even join in if you'd like. Here's to 2012 - a year of health and happiness.
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