A Very Special Birthday/Get Well Card

This was created by my friend Jessica's daughter, India. She handed it to me during the birthday party/fundraiser. This sweet gesture means so much to me, I decided to share it here. I have a t-shirt design of a "zombie kitty" I created and India drew her version of it. She then wrote on the back, making it into a get well card for me. I told her I was going to put it on my refrigerator when I got home, but I thought I'd share it with the world too. Thank you Jessica and India. Thank you to everyone who came to the party, sent/gave me cards and/or happy wishes. It all means more than you'll ever know. <3

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A box full of my zombie kitty t-shirts.

A Birthday Celebration

On Thursday, July 24th my friends and family gathered for a birthday party/fundraiser for me. It was organized by my friends Anni and Mo and my wife Sam. We sold some of our pottery and there was a raffle and silent auction. Most items were donated by local businesses and artists, many of whom are friends of mine. It was a very humbling experience and I am so very grateful to all who came together to make this happen. There was delicious vegan food donated, cupcakes and a cake, as well as music by my friend Levi. There also was a uterus pinata that was handmade by Sam, face painting, and massage for $1/minute. It was a beautiful summer evening and I was thrilled to see so many people I love gathered together in one place. I am fortunate to live in a community where we support one another. There were so many hugs and smiles and it was amazing.

I am going to simply let the photos do the talking for me. These were taken by Anni Becker, Abby Davis Harris, and Elizabeth Rose. Thank you to these ladies for capturing these images and sharing them.

Peggy, our beautiful pottery sales person.

Temple, myself, and Erica

Colleen and Mo

India and Jessica

Joshua, who made the food for us.

Erica and Anni

Me, face painting by Olivia Harris.

Erica and Anna, with a mug I created.

Me with two of the resident chickens.

Greg and Colleen

Jennifer and Jim

Myself and Anna

John, getting ready to bust the pinata.

Greg, myself, and Pablo, and the uterus pinata.

Erica

Children and chickens

Making a wish.

Blowing out the candles.

Olivia, painting faces.

Jenna, Leo, Abby, and Olivia

Jessica and I, posing with the uterus pinata.

April, who donated massage time for the cause.

Lisa and her winnings from the silent auction.

Tabitha and Glenn

Myself, Erica, and Anna

Levi

Anna

Sara

Ingrid

Paige

Mo, during the raffle drawing a few days later.

Me, drawing for raffle prizes.

Learning To Laugh At The Absurd

I've gone back and forth about whether or not to create a blog post about certain things that happen when one is in chemo. By certain things, I mean digestive issues. If you're uncomfortable talking about poop or vomit, you probably should stop reading now. When on pain meds (after my hysterectomy) or in chemo, you will be told many, many times about the probability of becoming constipated. You will be asked many times if you are constipated. You will be told to buy a stool softener. I simply told them of the amount of fiber I eat every day and that I didn't think it would be a problem. It hasn't been.

Last week while at chemo I started feeling sick. I thought I was okay to make it home, and I did, but then I had that horrifying moment when you realize things are getting worse and you need to make it to a toilet NOW. I'm still not sure what sent my body into crazy town. It could have been the dairy-based soup I ate for lunch or it could have been the chemo (although I've never had that reaction form the chemo). All I know is that by the time I got through my front door I knew I wasn't going to make it to the toilet in time.

I tried to tell myself it was going to be okay, like we all do, and then I realized I had no control over my body. I also realized I had two dogs under my feet and my hands full, as I tried to make it to the bathroom. It was a nightmare and once I made it into the bathroom I was definitely at the "oops, I crapped my pants" place. It is in these moments we realize how vulnerable we are and that we are just another imperfect creature dealing with life's messy circumstances. At least that was true for me.

It was the worst case of upset stomach I've ever had. Well, actually it was second to the time I had N1H1. That was a vomit/diarrhea nightmare and it went on for a few days. This time, I was sick for the rest of the day, but had Imodium to at least stop the diarrhea. I ended the day feeling nauseous and throwing up around 2am. I crawled off into bed and managed to fall asleep around 4am.

When these things are happening, there's nothing funny about it. Fortunately, after this episode, Sam and I were able to sit and talk about it and find the humor in it. When I was describing it to her, I brought up the food poisoning scene in the film Bridesmaids. I was relating to the part Maya Rudolph played and as the bride-to-be in an extremely expensive bridal gown she starts to realize she is going to have horrible diarrhea and tries to make it across the street to where there is a bathroom. As she crosses the street, she realizes she isn't going to make it and starts to crumble into a heap in the street uttering, "It's happening. It's happening." She then collapses and you can see in the meme below what happens. We now laugh and say those phrases to each other.

I can't say how funny it will be the next time it inevitably happens, but hopefully I will be at home and not in public, and able to easily deal with it. More importantly, this incident has shown me that I'm not in control of my body anymore. My days of not feeling well have increased and I'm definitely experiencing more nausea and unpredictable moments. I get clammy and feel feverish and then the next moment am running cold. Sleeping through the night is getting harder too because of temperature issues within my body. Ugh.

My relationship with food has completely changed and become a game of "what sounds good enough to eat right now". I spend a lot of time talking myself into eating food when I'm feeling sick hungry. The only thing appealing to me right now is fresh fruit and I'm anticipating things just getting worse as I pass the halfway point in my chemo treatments.

I figure one of the things I need to be here is honest. Most people think of cancer patients as throwing up and lying there, looking like death warmed over. Yes, there are many people going through that right now, as I speak. There are various degrees of chemo sickness and I just want to be as truthful as possible during this journey. I've also had people either just starting treatment, or possibly facing a diagnosis who want to talk with me about what's happening. I will tell it like it is and also make sure people know I'm a very fortunate person to be in as good of shape as I am right now. But, when things go haywire, I will try to share the experience and find the humor in the situation, if I can.

Tori Amos Concert - Another Bucket List Item Completed

Tonight I attended the Tori Amos concert. I was so very ill yesterday and at around 2am, when I was throwing up at Sam's house, I seriously didn't think it was going to happen. Fortunately, I came home and finally fell asleep around 4am. I woke up feeling okay and decided to go for it. I only ate snacks and made sure to re-hydrate after the previous day's bout with illness. I consumed a smoothie and all of my supplements. I took all of my meds, including anti-nausea and anti-diarrhea pills. I was taking no chances.

My mother-in-law, who volunteers at the Oregon Zoo where the concert was being held, stopped by to pick me up. I was going to get in line early in order to save seats for everyone who couldn't get there before the gates opened. General admission shows are a pain in the rear, but if you know how to work the system and when to arrive in order to be able to get decent seats, it can be an okay experience. I arrived with sand chairs, a quilt to sit on, and plenty of snacks and beverages. My mother-in-law loaned me her straw hat in order to prevent my bald head from getting sunburned. I was ready.

My fancy straw hat aka baldy protection.

 I stopped at the box office long enough to buy my ticket for the Lucinda Williams concert that's coming up quickly. My pal Lisa, who went to chemo with me yesterday had bought a ticket and it made my decision easier. Yep, I'm going to see Lucinda and cross another things off of the bucket list. Exciting! After purchasing my ticket, I caught the shuttle down the hill and got my place in line. While waiting I realized I was next to Tori super fans who follow her all over. These ladies had just come from Vancouver, BC and Seattle shows and now were in Portland. I think it's great if someone can pursue that dream, but personally, I couldn't afford it and can't think of a band that I'd do that for. When I was in high school, it probably would have been the Thompson Twins, but my passion for repeatedly seeing bands has waned. And of course, right now, I'm happy to feel good enough to make it to one.

The gates opened and I immediately headed for my favorite spot on the lawn. The people on both sides of me were very kind and helped me spread out my stuff in order to save room for 4 of us. Right before that, I started getting the shakes and knew I needed to eat something. Once I was settled I could breathe a sigh of relief and bust into my snacks. I also opened up a ginger ale that I had to sneak in. I figured the staff wouldn't really want a sick cancer lady to not have her ginger ale, so I didn't disclose that I had it when they looked in my bag. Whatever. It came in handy for sharing purposes too and my friend Anni helped me finish it off after she arrived.

Anna, Anni, Tara, and myself

Tara appeared and then Anna and Anni showed up. We had all made it! While waiting for the show to begin, I decided that I wanted to lay out on the quilt and rest across Anni and Anna's legs. As I lay there, looking up at the beautiful blue sky and feeling the pleasant breeze, I realized how happy I was to be there, in that place, with those people. I felt supported and loved. To have friends who let you invade their personal space like that and then sweetly touch your bald head, well, it's a gift from where I'm sitting. It was the highlight of my day.

This photo Anni took captured my joy.

The concert started and it was perfect. I can't get over how beautiful the sound was and I am so glad I didn't have to miss out on that experience. I found myself getting a little bit weepy when Tori sang "Silent All These Years". It made me think about how far I've come over the past 5+ years. I left behind an abusive relationship, unhappiness, and self-loathing. I embraced happiness, light, self-love/care, and found a completely different life for myself. I found the love of my life and the best friends and community I could ever hope for. I am proof that you can change your reality, even if you are over 40 and feel like completely giving up. In case you haven't heard it - Silent All These Years.

Tori performing. Photo by Anna.

Photo courtesy of Tori's people. The view looking out at us.

The set list.

This is why I embrace the little things. Yes, cancer is a jerk and it may even end my life sooner than I'd like, but I am owning every moment that I can and appreciate certain feelings and situations, which I never did before. After yesterday, I can't even describe how it felt to be able to be out, experiencing such a perfect day with people I love. The feeling of resting against people who get you and support you no matter what, well, it is a gift. Being able to feel those emotions and then laugh and smile and hug those people, it's truly priceless. On the way home, Anna drove with the windows down and the stereo blaring Tori songs. As we drove along, we felt happy and free, watching the Portland skyline pass by. I decided I needed to snap a few photos. Once again, special thanks to the ladies who shared in this magical evening with me. xo!

Anna driving, and singing.

Anni singing her heart out and making rabbit ears. <3

Disco Inferno Chemo Day

Today was my chemo day (I go once a week, in case I haven't mentioned that before). It was appointment #8 and for those who are keeping count, that means next week I will be officially at the halfway mark.

Lisa and I

Today my friend Lisa went with me and she decided we were going to have a disco themed chemo day. She brought wigs and glitter glasses, as well as small disco balls and buttons to give out to the staff that said things like "boogie fever" or "disco diva". As usual, the staff really appreciated the fun gesture and my doctor even put on a wig and glasses for a fun photo op with me (He really is the bestest). We sat and visited in the chemo room and people seemed to like our matching wigs and glasses. Since neither of us has much hair right now, it was kind of fun to take the wigs off to "wig" people out a bit. Haha, Wig jokes are fun.

Me, just being goofy

Dr. Rushing and I

Justyne asks, "can you dig it?"

Everything seemed normal and went smoothly. Part of the way through treatment I started feeling a bit nauseous. I normally feel fine. After I got home I experienced 4 hours of a horribly upset stomach, which is really odd for me. I'm trying to figure out if I'm at a point where my body is doing what it wants and I just have to hold on for the ride, or if I'm just having more off days and it shall pass.

Disco ball mania!

Lisa's wig and glasses on my foot

Disco balls make treatment more fun, yes?

The sad reality is that cancer messes with you, on a physical and social level. I don't feel like doing more than lying on my bed with my dogs right now. Tomorrow night I'm supposed to attend a sold out Tori Amos concert with a few friends. I'm not sure what to do. We could sell our tickets or I could suck it up, hope for the best, and maybe have a good time. I'm hoping my body will give me a clear answer early in the day tomorrow. I'm contemplating going with Lisa to see Lucinda Williams at the end of the month. It's a bucket list kind of thing. Both concerts are artists I've never seen before and always wanted to. Why does my body have to make this so difficult?

Cuddling with Gumdrop makes being sick more tolerable.