Tori Amos Concert - Another Bucket List Item Completed

Tonight I attended the Tori Amos concert. I was so very ill yesterday and at around 2am, when I was throwing up at Sam's house, I seriously didn't think it was going to happen. Fortunately, I came home and finally fell asleep around 4am. I woke up feeling okay and decided to go for it. I only ate snacks and made sure to re-hydrate after the previous day's bout with illness. I consumed a smoothie and all of my supplements. I took all of my meds, including anti-nausea and anti-diarrhea pills. I was taking no chances.

My mother-in-law, who volunteers at the Oregon Zoo where the concert was being held, stopped by to pick me up. I was going to get in line early in order to save seats for everyone who couldn't get there before the gates opened. General admission shows are a pain in the rear, but if you know how to work the system and when to arrive in order to be able to get decent seats, it can be an okay experience. I arrived with sand chairs, a quilt to sit on, and plenty of snacks and beverages. My mother-in-law loaned me her straw hat in order to prevent my bald head from getting sunburned. I was ready.

My fancy straw hat aka baldy protection.

 I stopped at the box office long enough to buy my ticket for the Lucinda Williams concert that's coming up quickly. My pal Lisa, who went to chemo with me yesterday had bought a ticket and it made my decision easier. Yep, I'm going to see Lucinda and cross another things off of the bucket list. Exciting! After purchasing my ticket, I caught the shuttle down the hill and got my place in line. While waiting I realized I was next to Tori super fans who follow her all over. These ladies had just come from Vancouver, BC and Seattle shows and now were in Portland. I think it's great if someone can pursue that dream, but personally, I couldn't afford it and can't think of a band that I'd do that for. When I was in high school, it probably would have been the Thompson Twins, but my passion for repeatedly seeing bands has waned. And of course, right now, I'm happy to feel good enough to make it to one.

The gates opened and I immediately headed for my favorite spot on the lawn. The people on both sides of me were very kind and helped me spread out my stuff in order to save room for 4 of us. Right before that, I started getting the shakes and knew I needed to eat something. Once I was settled I could breathe a sigh of relief and bust into my snacks. I also opened up a ginger ale that I had to sneak in. I figured the staff wouldn't really want a sick cancer lady to not have her ginger ale, so I didn't disclose that I had it when they looked in my bag. Whatever. It came in handy for sharing purposes too and my friend Anni helped me finish it off after she arrived.

Anna, Anni, Tara, and myself

Tara appeared and then Anna and Anni showed up. We had all made it! While waiting for the show to begin, I decided that I wanted to lay out on the quilt and rest across Anni and Anna's legs. As I lay there, looking up at the beautiful blue sky and feeling the pleasant breeze, I realized how happy I was to be there, in that place, with those people. I felt supported and loved. To have friends who let you invade their personal space like that and then sweetly touch your bald head, well, it's a gift from where I'm sitting. It was the highlight of my day.

This photo Anni took captured my joy.

The concert started and it was perfect. I can't get over how beautiful the sound was and I am so glad I didn't have to miss out on that experience. I found myself getting a little bit weepy when Tori sang "Silent All These Years". It made me think about how far I've come over the past 5+ years. I left behind an abusive relationship, unhappiness, and self-loathing. I embraced happiness, light, self-love/care, and found a completely different life for myself. I found the love of my life and the best friends and community I could ever hope for. I am proof that you can change your reality, even if you are over 40 and feel like completely giving up. In case you haven't heard it - Silent All These Years.

Tori performing. Photo by Anna.

Photo courtesy of Tori's people. The view looking out at us.

The set list.

This is why I embrace the little things. Yes, cancer is a jerk and it may even end my life sooner than I'd like, but I am owning every moment that I can and appreciate certain feelings and situations, which I never did before. After yesterday, I can't even describe how it felt to be able to be out, experiencing such a perfect day with people I love. The feeling of resting against people who get you and support you no matter what, well, it is a gift. Being able to feel those emotions and then laugh and smile and hug those people, it's truly priceless. On the way home, Anna drove with the windows down and the stereo blaring Tori songs. As we drove along, we felt happy and free, watching the Portland skyline pass by. I decided I needed to snap a few photos. Once again, special thanks to the ladies who shared in this magical evening with me. xo!

Anna driving, and singing.

Anni singing her heart out and making rabbit ears. <3

Disco Inferno Chemo Day

Today was my chemo day (I go once a week, in case I haven't mentioned that before). It was appointment #8 and for those who are keeping count, that means next week I will be officially at the halfway mark.

Lisa and I

Today my friend Lisa went with me and she decided we were going to have a disco themed chemo day. She brought wigs and glitter glasses, as well as small disco balls and buttons to give out to the staff that said things like "boogie fever" or "disco diva". As usual, the staff really appreciated the fun gesture and my doctor even put on a wig and glasses for a fun photo op with me (He really is the bestest). We sat and visited in the chemo room and people seemed to like our matching wigs and glasses. Since neither of us has much hair right now, it was kind of fun to take the wigs off to "wig" people out a bit. Haha, Wig jokes are fun.

Me, just being goofy

Dr. Rushing and I

Justyne asks, "can you dig it?"

Everything seemed normal and went smoothly. Part of the way through treatment I started feeling a bit nauseous. I normally feel fine. After I got home I experienced 4 hours of a horribly upset stomach, which is really odd for me. I'm trying to figure out if I'm at a point where my body is doing what it wants and I just have to hold on for the ride, or if I'm just having more off days and it shall pass.

Disco ball mania!

Lisa's wig and glasses on my foot

Disco balls make treatment more fun, yes?

The sad reality is that cancer messes with you, on a physical and social level. I don't feel like doing more than lying on my bed with my dogs right now. Tomorrow night I'm supposed to attend a sold out Tori Amos concert with a few friends. I'm not sure what to do. We could sell our tickets or I could suck it up, hope for the best, and maybe have a good time. I'm hoping my body will give me a clear answer early in the day tomorrow. I'm contemplating going with Lisa to see Lucinda Williams at the end of the month. It's a bucket list kind of thing. Both concerts are artists I've never seen before and always wanted to. Why does my body have to make this so difficult?

Cuddling with Gumdrop makes being sick more tolerable.

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

In my last post, I wrote about the fun we'd been having with hair color, from pre-surgery through the first however many chemo treatments. Well, after chemo treatment five, my hair started falling out. I also started experiencing more nausea and difficulty with my appetite. As soon as I started seeing a decent amount of hair come out after washing my hair, as well as noticing it falling out when it was dry, I decided it was time to take it all off.

There is so much societal stigma around a woman being bald and I wanted to jump into the pool with no hesitation. I announced I was going to do it on facebook, but didn't give specifics. I decided I still wanted it to be a semi-personal experience. I asked Anni if she would photograph it happening and she agreed. We gathered once again at my friend's barbershop, Moe's, and I never looked back. My friend Anna asked if she could join us and shave her head in solidarity. It was kind of nice, having someone else there who was more nervous than I was, haha.

Jess, Anna, Carrie, and I.

Anna and I, before.

We each got into a chair and had two friends, Jess and Carrie, get to work on us. Anna actually went first. I sat and watched Jess shave a stripe down the middle and then we knew there was no turning back. Carrie started on my hair and was very careful to shave each section and then hand it to Sam for safekeeping. We put all of my hair into two baggies - one for the longer, colored hair on top, and one for the shorter, darker hair. I plan on using my hair in an upcoming art project and this ensured that I didn't lose any. I could have waited for more to fall out, but I knew I was ready and didn't want to risk more going down the drain.

It is a very liberating experience and I honestly found it to be very freeing. I'm pretty sure Anna would agree with me. I was relieved to look in the mirror and realize that it was a done deal. And it didn't hurt that I was actually happy with the way I looked. Let's be honest, one of the biggest fears associated with shaving your head is that you won't like how you look. Both Anna and I have found that an added perk of shaving your head is how many women will come up to you and tell you how sexy it is, or how beautiful you are. It's a great ego boost.

Almost finished...

Anna and I, posing with our friend George. Bald is beautiful!

It took my wife a little time to adjust to seeing me with no hair, as she is usually the one shaving her head or sporting a mohawk, so the tables were turned on her. Fortunately, she doesn't care if I have hair or not, as long as I'm healthy and happy. I will have this look for a while, so I'm just glad we are both okay with it.

Anna and I, after.

Gotta love a supportive friend like Anna.

I think this photo says it all.

Having Fun With Hair Color

When I found out that I was going to have a total hysterectomy, I decided to have a purple streak put in my hair by my friend Carrie who owns Moe's Hairstyling here in town. The day I did it, Sam decided to add a purple streak to her hair too. After that, a few other friends decided to do it as well, as a sign of solidarity. It was just a simple, fun thing to do in order to get me ready for the road ahead.

Sitting out on the patio while the bleach does its magic. Classy!

The two of us after the bleach treatment.

We also cut most of my hair off in order for me to not have to worry about my hair during and after my hospital stay. When my doctor came into the pre-op room before my surgery I told him, "I did my hair for you", to which he replied, "I see that." We laughed and then I was wheeled off into the operating room.

Pre-surgery purple.

A better view.

Eventually, the purple started to fade into blue and then teal. Today I was trying to decide whether or not I should color it purple again, but then I started thinking about the color my hair will be when it starts to fall out, or when I decide to shave my head. I intend on keeping my hair for an art project and I thought I really should go with red. This will make more sense once I create the piece I want to make and share it with you. The red will eventually fade, possibly back to a purplish color, but we will just see what happens and go with it.

Us today, with red and purple hair.

Support Via Mustache Silliness

When I was in the hospital for my hysterectomy, I gave Sam permission to draw a mustache on me (while I was asleep) and then post it on Facebook, for the amusement of our friends. Little did I know that when I finally woke up around 1:45am, after a small blood transfusion, Sam would tell me I should see what had been happening on Facebook all day while I slept. I could barely contain my joy, seeing all of the friends who started posting "mustache selfies" in solidarity with me. This blog entry is simply about these images that flooded my Facebook page, the love I felt, and the laughter that ensued. Thank you to each and every person who took the time to cheer me up and join in on the silliness. <3

Photo of me by Sam MacKenzie
(the googly eyes made me giggle).