I always make a vow to do a better job with keeping up with things like this blog. It only takes a few minutes to jot down my thoughts throughout the day and it certainly isn't painful to sit and write for 20 minutes or so, every so often. Yet, I still get caught up in the day to day and forget, or let myself slack because I can't string my thoughts together. In my defense, since my accident last summer I have had problems with focusing my thoughts and capturing what I want to say in a neat and orderly fashion. It can be frustrating and it makes it easier to just cop out and not try.
I am in a position now where I need to write and can no longer let myself off of the hook. Deadlines are looming and I'm also starting a new blog with a good friend of mine and will need to write for that as well. Currently, I'm pondering what to write about for my next zine. The Portland Zine Symposium is coming up and I need to start working on it now, to avoid the last-minute panic. I also will be giving updates on my months as a vegan, which is still an on-going lifestyle for me. Until then... :)
Monday, April 9, 2012
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Day 4
I'm starting to settle into looking at food from a vegan perspective. I don't have to eat what others consider to be a "normal" breakfast. This morning I cut up and fried one of the potatoes I'd baked previously with onion and then sauteed zucchini and spinach and topped it with sliced avocado. It was a filling, yet light and tasty meal. I had my morning tea, Darjeeling, and felt pretty satisfied with everything. I didn't miss having an egg with my potatoes at all.
We went to a place in Portland known as "food church". Every Sunday people line up and then are allowed to come in and take what they need from piles of food sourced from local stores - New Seasons, Trader Joe's, Whole Foods, etc. We were 3rd in line and I picked up a few potatoes and yams, bananas, cantaloupe, grapefruit, small tomatoes and chopped veggies for stir-fry. I also picked up 2 types of bread and allowed myself one bagel. All of this food is food that major grocery chains would throw into their garbage compactors and fortunately for those on the lower income levels, like myself, these people collect and distribute food that is past it's prime or imperfect. I can't explain how wonderful it is to have a source of good quality, mostly organic, vegetarian/vegan foods when you have little or no money. It is priceless.
I just wish more American businesses felt like giving to those in need instead of chucking less-than-perfect items into a trash compactor that crushes and makes sure no one can benefit in any way. They just produce more trash for the landfills. There used to be a time when employees could purchase or take home expired or damaged goods. Companies have become so paranoid of employees deliberately damaging items or benefiting in some way from having access to these things, that they do not allow, and go to great lengths to make sure they don't, get to take any of these items for re-use.
I could go more into detail about my experiences with that, but I'd rather not get sued right now. I will say that I have worked for both Michaels and Home Depot and they make sure things end up in the landfill - no ifs, ands or buts. Michaels will actually have employees spray paint on or break items before they go into the dumpster to prevent re-use. Okay, I've said enough for now. It makes it all the more rewarding to see people working to re-distribute food, something this country wastes by the ton, to those in need.
Later in the day Sam re-created my new favorite sandwich, one I had yesterday at Sweetpea Baking Company in Portland. It is "grilled cheese" (Daiya cheddar) with smoked maple tempeh and avocado on wheat, or in this case, 7 grain bread, because it's what I received from food church. It's delightful comfort food and I highly recommend it. Pair it with any number of delicious side dishes and it's a quick and easy winner that gives you a hug on the inside.
As for how I'm feeling today...no severe hunger pangs and I feel like my blood sugar may be stabilizing a bit with the new food combos. I feel like I'm processing the food, instead of it sitting in my stomach for a while. I don't feel "full", I feel satisfied. Hopefully that makes sense, but it's the best way I can describe it. I feel like my digestive system is really working quickly and the food is not sitting for long. At the same time I'm not ravenously hungry and feel more calm about getting to my next meal. It's a good thing and I'm looking forward to reporting how I feel on day 7.
We went to a place in Portland known as "food church". Every Sunday people line up and then are allowed to come in and take what they need from piles of food sourced from local stores - New Seasons, Trader Joe's, Whole Foods, etc. We were 3rd in line and I picked up a few potatoes and yams, bananas, cantaloupe, grapefruit, small tomatoes and chopped veggies for stir-fry. I also picked up 2 types of bread and allowed myself one bagel. All of this food is food that major grocery chains would throw into their garbage compactors and fortunately for those on the lower income levels, like myself, these people collect and distribute food that is past it's prime or imperfect. I can't explain how wonderful it is to have a source of good quality, mostly organic, vegetarian/vegan foods when you have little or no money. It is priceless.
I just wish more American businesses felt like giving to those in need instead of chucking less-than-perfect items into a trash compactor that crushes and makes sure no one can benefit in any way. They just produce more trash for the landfills. There used to be a time when employees could purchase or take home expired or damaged goods. Companies have become so paranoid of employees deliberately damaging items or benefiting in some way from having access to these things, that they do not allow, and go to great lengths to make sure they don't, get to take any of these items for re-use.
I could go more into detail about my experiences with that, but I'd rather not get sued right now. I will say that I have worked for both Michaels and Home Depot and they make sure things end up in the landfill - no ifs, ands or buts. Michaels will actually have employees spray paint on or break items before they go into the dumpster to prevent re-use. Okay, I've said enough for now. It makes it all the more rewarding to see people working to re-distribute food, something this country wastes by the ton, to those in need.
Later in the day Sam re-created my new favorite sandwich, one I had yesterday at Sweetpea Baking Company in Portland. It is "grilled cheese" (Daiya cheddar) with smoked maple tempeh and avocado on wheat, or in this case, 7 grain bread, because it's what I received from food church. It's delightful comfort food and I highly recommend it. Pair it with any number of delicious side dishes and it's a quick and easy winner that gives you a hug on the inside.
As for how I'm feeling today...no severe hunger pangs and I feel like my blood sugar may be stabilizing a bit with the new food combos. I feel like I'm processing the food, instead of it sitting in my stomach for a while. I don't feel "full", I feel satisfied. Hopefully that makes sense, but it's the best way I can describe it. I feel like my digestive system is really working quickly and the food is not sitting for long. At the same time I'm not ravenously hungry and feel more calm about getting to my next meal. It's a good thing and I'm looking forward to reporting how I feel on day 7.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Day 1
Today was my first official day as a vegan. I started off simply, with some organic cereal and soy milk. By lunchtime I was really wanting to eat something, but pushed on and went to my gallery to drop off some new work and talk about next month's show. I had a piece of French bread while there and just when I was starting to feel sick-hungry (my own fault for not being prepared), my girlfriend texted and invited me over for a meal and a smoothie. It was yummy and I was oh, so grateful.
I should explain that I don't do well when I'm hungry. I feel sick to my stomach and it comes on very quickly. It's just the way I am. Might have to do with my medication I take for diabetes. They're pills, so I'm guessing they are time-released. It would explain the sudden waves of hunger I get too.
I made a stop at the grocery store on my way home and picked up what I think are staples for quick and healthy meals. Quinoa pasta and polenta, red quinoa, spinach, carrots, potatoes, an onion, salsa, cucumber, green onions and avocados rounded out my buying for today. I have organic pasta sauce in a jar, a few of them, and it is really easy to slice and fry up polenta and top it with sauce and wilted spinach. I also planned and made a large quinoa salad for tonight and tomorrow using the green onions, cucumber, carrots and avocado. I toss it with my favorite dressing, Annie's Shitake Sesame. No sugar and no dairy = awesome.
I used this evening to bake 3 potatoes while I made the salad. I ate one and have the other two ready to fry up or re-heat when I get hungry tomorrow. I also have left over quinoa salad, so I think my lunch is taken care of. Yay! I'll most likely have cereal again in the morning because it is fast and easy. I need to switch back to unsweetened coconut milk or almond milk because I am upping my soy intake in other areas of my meals.
I had a talk with my mom tonight on the phone and explained to her what I can or can not eat now. She didn't know what quinoa was, so it gave me a chance to teach her something new. As old-fashioned as she is, it's nice to know she's at least trying to be supportive and understanding.
Today's biggest challenge was getting hungry and not having food nearby and ready to eat. I definitely need to work on keeping snacks in my car for times like that. Some of my faves are Primal Strips, nuts ( I like most of them and usually have a mixed bag with me), fresh fruit and in some cases a pbj sandwich. I'm sure this will evolve as I find myself needing more substantial snacks to curb those sudden hunger attacks.
I find myself looking ahead at day 2 and at least I know I have some prepared food handy and supplies to get me through a few more days. Go team vegan!
p.s. - I posted a status update on Facebook about going vegan and friends were supportive, but not nearly as many people "liked" it as did when I announced I was going vegetarian. Perhaps they think I'm radical now?
I should explain that I don't do well when I'm hungry. I feel sick to my stomach and it comes on very quickly. It's just the way I am. Might have to do with my medication I take for diabetes. They're pills, so I'm guessing they are time-released. It would explain the sudden waves of hunger I get too.
I made a stop at the grocery store on my way home and picked up what I think are staples for quick and healthy meals. Quinoa pasta and polenta, red quinoa, spinach, carrots, potatoes, an onion, salsa, cucumber, green onions and avocados rounded out my buying for today. I have organic pasta sauce in a jar, a few of them, and it is really easy to slice and fry up polenta and top it with sauce and wilted spinach. I also planned and made a large quinoa salad for tonight and tomorrow using the green onions, cucumber, carrots and avocado. I toss it with my favorite dressing, Annie's Shitake Sesame. No sugar and no dairy = awesome.
I used this evening to bake 3 potatoes while I made the salad. I ate one and have the other two ready to fry up or re-heat when I get hungry tomorrow. I also have left over quinoa salad, so I think my lunch is taken care of. Yay! I'll most likely have cereal again in the morning because it is fast and easy. I need to switch back to unsweetened coconut milk or almond milk because I am upping my soy intake in other areas of my meals.
I had a talk with my mom tonight on the phone and explained to her what I can or can not eat now. She didn't know what quinoa was, so it gave me a chance to teach her something new. As old-fashioned as she is, it's nice to know she's at least trying to be supportive and understanding.
Today's biggest challenge was getting hungry and not having food nearby and ready to eat. I definitely need to work on keeping snacks in my car for times like that. Some of my faves are Primal Strips, nuts ( I like most of them and usually have a mixed bag with me), fresh fruit and in some cases a pbj sandwich. I'm sure this will evolve as I find myself needing more substantial snacks to curb those sudden hunger attacks.
I find myself looking ahead at day 2 and at least I know I have some prepared food handy and supplies to get me through a few more days. Go team vegan!
p.s. - I posted a status update on Facebook about going vegan and friends were supportive, but not nearly as many people "liked" it as did when I announced I was going vegetarian. Perhaps they think I'm radical now?
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
And here's the problem with a bucket list...
I was feeling really happy about crossing things off of my bucket list. Something I didn't expect was the way it would make me feel physically. To deliberately go out and eat back to back to back foods that are very rich and loaded with dairy products does eventually take its toll. Especially when you are someone who is somewhat allergic to dairy.
Blech. That is how I feel right now. I was trying to rid my house of the last of the non-vegan foods yesterday and today and it just pushed me over the edge. I even had to turn down an invite to the Mongolian grill, one of my favorites, tonight. Argh! I don't even know if I can bring myself to eat the last 2 eggs in my fridge. It sounds ridiculous, but the thought of it makes me not want to eat. So, I will not eat, until this blech feeling passes. I think it was my eating the last Amy's cheese pizza for lunch that did it. Carbs + cheese = :/
On a positive note, I am just about ready to call myself a vegan. It's a scary first step and a big one, but I'm ready. I just need to buy a few groceries and make sure I'm prepared and I will give the green light and announce my new status on Facebook. That's how all things become official nowadays, right?
Blech. That is how I feel right now. I was trying to rid my house of the last of the non-vegan foods yesterday and today and it just pushed me over the edge. I even had to turn down an invite to the Mongolian grill, one of my favorites, tonight. Argh! I don't even know if I can bring myself to eat the last 2 eggs in my fridge. It sounds ridiculous, but the thought of it makes me not want to eat. So, I will not eat, until this blech feeling passes. I think it was my eating the last Amy's cheese pizza for lunch that did it. Carbs + cheese = :/
On a positive note, I am just about ready to call myself a vegan. It's a scary first step and a big one, but I'm ready. I just need to buy a few groceries and make sure I'm prepared and I will give the green light and announce my new status on Facebook. That's how all things become official nowadays, right?
Welcome to 2012. So far, so good.
I ushered in the new year by spending a quiet weekend with my partner on her farm. We spent the week before working our way through my "I'm going vegan, what foods will I miss bucket-list". We went for the best of local favorites with hand-made ice cream, pizza that you have to wait in line for, crepes, omelettes, and more. We rang in the new year with my mom's lasagna recipe (the vegetarian version), tiramisu (I'd never had it) and locally made marionberry cheesecake. It was an overload of rich and delicious dairy-filled foods.
Yes, I am going vegan. It's funny how people have reacted to this news. Some say, "How will you live without ______?" Usually it's ice cream, but sometimes other foods people can't believe I'd live without. Everyone has been supportive though. I am not going vegan in order to look down on others and judge them. I am not going to become a more radical activist than I already am. I will not suddenly hate meat-eaters. When I became a vegetarian I did it for moral and ethical reasons. I became someone who was happy to talk with people about factory farming, fast food and why they should care about where and how there food is produced. Going vegan is the next step for me and I am doing this strictly for my health.
Over the last year or so I have been reading a lot about research in regard to diabetes and heart disease. It has been proven that a vegan diet can cure or slow down these diseases. If my giving up ice cream and cheese will prolong my life and make me happy and healthy, why wouldn't I try it? The one thing I have learned is that you can have delicious pizza without cheese, sorbets, a latte with soy or almond milk and vegan baked goods so good you'll never know the difference. I am going to be just fine.
I live outside of Portland, Oregon. I am fortunate enough to be close to vegan-friendly restaurants and bakeries. I have many friends who are either vegetarian or vegan. They get it. I have already been flooded with suggestions for restaurants and blogs with recipies to try. My vegan friends want to help me every way possible. My partner is behind me 110% and is already cooking vegan meals for me and likes to help me when I talk about needing meal ideas. If anything, this is bringing us closer as a couple.
I know I sound like I have the world in the palm of my hand and this will be a piece of cake (vegan, of course). The truth is I am nervous and a bit scared that I will fail. We humans are exactly that, human. I am not the biggest go-getter when it comes to being creative with breakfast foods when I have to get to work or school. I have always fallen back on eggs and toast because it is quick and delicious. I have 5 beautiful chickens in my backyard who produce eggs and I will be handing them over to my partner and her mom to eat. This makes me a bit sad. In order to succeed, I have to get over these hurdles.
I have to face the fact that the one fast food place I frequent, because of their local and natural foods and vegetarian options, may be off of the table. Their vegetarian options generally contain cheese, which I can't have. This means I will not have an option to stop and grab food on the days when I'm rushing around. I will be forced to think ahead and have food prepared. I need to break out of some old habits, but I am going to do my best.
I also am making a pact with myself that I will return to the gym. I am still recovering from my accident last summer with the drunk driver, but it's time to start moving more. I also want to return to yoga classes, something I'd just started getting into when the accident happened. I'm going to be using this blog and my zine to share this adventure with whoever wants to follow along with me. I will share the things I learn and recipies I try, blogs and on-line resources, as well as my day to day emotions and results. Hopefully this will be a successful journey and I promise to do my best. Follow along and feel free to email me or comment with your feedback or suggestions. You can even join in if you'd like. Here's to 2012 - a year of health and happiness.
Yes, I am going vegan. It's funny how people have reacted to this news. Some say, "How will you live without ______?" Usually it's ice cream, but sometimes other foods people can't believe I'd live without. Everyone has been supportive though. I am not going vegan in order to look down on others and judge them. I am not going to become a more radical activist than I already am. I will not suddenly hate meat-eaters. When I became a vegetarian I did it for moral and ethical reasons. I became someone who was happy to talk with people about factory farming, fast food and why they should care about where and how there food is produced. Going vegan is the next step for me and I am doing this strictly for my health.
Over the last year or so I have been reading a lot about research in regard to diabetes and heart disease. It has been proven that a vegan diet can cure or slow down these diseases. If my giving up ice cream and cheese will prolong my life and make me happy and healthy, why wouldn't I try it? The one thing I have learned is that you can have delicious pizza without cheese, sorbets, a latte with soy or almond milk and vegan baked goods so good you'll never know the difference. I am going to be just fine.
I live outside of Portland, Oregon. I am fortunate enough to be close to vegan-friendly restaurants and bakeries. I have many friends who are either vegetarian or vegan. They get it. I have already been flooded with suggestions for restaurants and blogs with recipies to try. My vegan friends want to help me every way possible. My partner is behind me 110% and is already cooking vegan meals for me and likes to help me when I talk about needing meal ideas. If anything, this is bringing us closer as a couple.
I know I sound like I have the world in the palm of my hand and this will be a piece of cake (vegan, of course). The truth is I am nervous and a bit scared that I will fail. We humans are exactly that, human. I am not the biggest go-getter when it comes to being creative with breakfast foods when I have to get to work or school. I have always fallen back on eggs and toast because it is quick and delicious. I have 5 beautiful chickens in my backyard who produce eggs and I will be handing them over to my partner and her mom to eat. This makes me a bit sad. In order to succeed, I have to get over these hurdles.
I have to face the fact that the one fast food place I frequent, because of their local and natural foods and vegetarian options, may be off of the table. Their vegetarian options generally contain cheese, which I can't have. This means I will not have an option to stop and grab food on the days when I'm rushing around. I will be forced to think ahead and have food prepared. I need to break out of some old habits, but I am going to do my best.
I also am making a pact with myself that I will return to the gym. I am still recovering from my accident last summer with the drunk driver, but it's time to start moving more. I also want to return to yoga classes, something I'd just started getting into when the accident happened. I'm going to be using this blog and my zine to share this adventure with whoever wants to follow along with me. I will share the things I learn and recipies I try, blogs and on-line resources, as well as my day to day emotions and results. Hopefully this will be a successful journey and I promise to do my best. Follow along and feel free to email me or comment with your feedback or suggestions. You can even join in if you'd like. Here's to 2012 - a year of health and happiness.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
So, What Are You Afraid Of?
As a social scientist I constantly examine my place in the world and interaction with others. I realize I am always looking at how I move through my surroundings and those I come in contact with. I believe when it comes to conquering fears that are instilled in us by our own culture and societal norms, one must be self-aware and also examine and be prepared to reject much of the societal expectations that have been placed on us. In other words, reject what you are being told you should be and be yourself. We are all being told we are not perfect, ideal, smart or sexy enough, when we should be embracing our uniqueness. The things we need to buy in order to become a better us are dictated to us constantly. That's a lie. We need to be focused on loving ourselves, not on what "they" tell us we need to do in order to conform.
Every day I see people who are afraid, lonely, unhappy and insecure. I think we need to stop being afraid to give and receive love. This has nothing to do with sex. It is about opening yourself up to others, genuinely caring about them and being able to empathize. Don't give in to those who want you to think of everyone else as the "others", as less than. Think about why you dislike certain people. If they have been horrible to you, perhaps forgive them and move on. If not, re-evaluate what has made you feel the way you do about them. It is not okay to hold on to all of the negative, angry thoughts and feelings you have. It only weighs you down and makes you miserable. Try to let it go and move forward. Do what you need to do to find joy, passion and love, for yourself and those around you.
I'm not talking about giving up everything and living in a tent somewhere (unless that is what will make you truly happy). I'm saying we need to be able to see things that influence us in a negative way for what they are. For me it is television, Corporate America, politics, the business of "beauty" and fallout from a horrible break up that re-surfaces when I least expect it. To be able to cut as many of those negative things out of our daily existence as possible, that is the way to silence the voices that are influencing us and start conquering many of our fears. Once you're not focused on the overwhelming horror stories on the nightly news or thinking about something bad that happened to you or constantly being bombarded with images of what corporations say is the standard for beauty, you can move forward in a positive frame of mind.
We also need to be able to hold those influences at arms-length and really examine what good there is in the world, in addition to the bad. Stop being afraid to live your life. Don't let the media scare you into hating another race or culture or group of people. Stop hiding in your house, at work, in your day to day activities. I have encounters with both positive and negative people every day. Some days it's hard to ignore those who seem bound and determined to dump on others and I feel sorry for them. They are missing out on the opportunity to really dig in and enjoy their lives. If I could do one thing for you, for everyone, it would be to help you let that negative, fear-driven stuff go and start finding out who you are, what you need (versus want) and what really makes you happy.
Fear is a 4-letter word, but then so are other words like good, give, hugs, dogs, cats, kids, live and most important of all - love. So get out there, hold your head up high, enjoy this life you've been given and share the love.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
I'm Still Here...
I've been working on content for my zine, slowly but surely. I should mention that I was hit by a drunk driver and that delayed some projects I was working on, including this one. I'm recovering from a concussion and it left me feeling foggy and my short-term memory has had a few issues. It's coming back now and even though I haven't recovered some of what I wanted to write about, I am jumping in with both feet to get issue #1 completed in time for the Portland Zine Symposium next month.
I think my accident (or collision, as my girlfriend prefers to call it) has reinforced what I wanted to discuss. Life is too short to live in fear and you never know when your time will be up. I have a piece I've written about growing up in our society as an overweight person. It's personal and from a female perspective, but I think it is a subject that rings true for anyone who has been made to feel like they do not fit into a "normal", socially acceptable mold. I don't and even though I hated myself for many years over it, I am so glad to not be just another follower - trying to keep up with everyone else.
Being "normal" is a myth. It doesn't exist. There are people out there who will try with every ounce of their being to convince you that normal is good and just and what you should strive to be. "Fit in, don't stand out! Conform and we will accept you as one of us! Don't be one of 'them', they're disgusting. We are beautiful, popular, wanted, loved, acceptable." That is a lie. Everyone has something that makes them different, unique and beautiful, whether it's on the outside or inside. Even if people choose to ignore it, cover it up or bury it down deep inside because they want to fit in, it's there. If you take the time to step back and observe people you will see everyone wants to be liked, everyone wants to feel loved. We all try to work around the things that we think others might not like about us, so we can be accepted. I have spent most of my life trying to be what I thought would make me socially acceptable. I see that now. And to be honest, the more I look, the more I do not want to have anything to do with that lie and the people who perpetuate it. It took me stepping back and realizing that I only have one life to live and that I actually like myself as I am to find people who genuinely like me for me.
I now have friends and a partner who love and respect me because I am true to myself. I'm not saying it's easy to let go of the conditioning laid on us by popular culture, media and our everyday surroundings. I'm certainly not saying I'm awesome or telling anyone else what to do with their life. I'm just telling you what I did to find happiness. It's not easy and I fight with myself a lot. I have to take jobs I don't want to do sometimes in order to pay my bills. I have modest needs, but they need to be met in order for me to eat, pay bills, etc. It is a balancing act.
I am working every day to break the cycle of fearing what others might think of me in order to accept and love who I am and try to figure out what I'm all about. I believe discovering who you are, both the good and the bad, is crucial to overcoming fear and finding happiness. An exercise you should try - if you had to describe your self using single words, what would they be? Open yourself up and let it flow. I'll go first.
Words that describe me (some of these have been used by others, not myself)- artist, friend, partner, queer, vegetarian, multi-tasker, sarcastic, intelligent, loving, compassionate, flawed, fat, funny, diabetic, self-conscious, confident, butch, sexual, sweet, passionate, cuddly, daughter, sister, writer, musician, animal lover, activist, tattooed, poor, patient, damaged, empathetic, lonely, optimistic, realist, big-hearted, sensitive, environmentalist, submissive, hopeful, imperfect, failure, resilient, procrastinator, perfectionist, lazy, weak, beautiful, warm, monogamous, human, female.
I want to see your list. Tell me who you are. Be honest, have fun and most importantly, be you.
fearisa4letterword@gmail.com
I think my accident (or collision, as my girlfriend prefers to call it) has reinforced what I wanted to discuss. Life is too short to live in fear and you never know when your time will be up. I have a piece I've written about growing up in our society as an overweight person. It's personal and from a female perspective, but I think it is a subject that rings true for anyone who has been made to feel like they do not fit into a "normal", socially acceptable mold. I don't and even though I hated myself for many years over it, I am so glad to not be just another follower - trying to keep up with everyone else.
Being "normal" is a myth. It doesn't exist. There are people out there who will try with every ounce of their being to convince you that normal is good and just and what you should strive to be. "Fit in, don't stand out! Conform and we will accept you as one of us! Don't be one of 'them', they're disgusting. We are beautiful, popular, wanted, loved, acceptable." That is a lie. Everyone has something that makes them different, unique and beautiful, whether it's on the outside or inside. Even if people choose to ignore it, cover it up or bury it down deep inside because they want to fit in, it's there. If you take the time to step back and observe people you will see everyone wants to be liked, everyone wants to feel loved. We all try to work around the things that we think others might not like about us, so we can be accepted. I have spent most of my life trying to be what I thought would make me socially acceptable. I see that now. And to be honest, the more I look, the more I do not want to have anything to do with that lie and the people who perpetuate it. It took me stepping back and realizing that I only have one life to live and that I actually like myself as I am to find people who genuinely like me for me.
I now have friends and a partner who love and respect me because I am true to myself. I'm not saying it's easy to let go of the conditioning laid on us by popular culture, media and our everyday surroundings. I'm certainly not saying I'm awesome or telling anyone else what to do with their life. I'm just telling you what I did to find happiness. It's not easy and I fight with myself a lot. I have to take jobs I don't want to do sometimes in order to pay my bills. I have modest needs, but they need to be met in order for me to eat, pay bills, etc. It is a balancing act.
I am working every day to break the cycle of fearing what others might think of me in order to accept and love who I am and try to figure out what I'm all about. I believe discovering who you are, both the good and the bad, is crucial to overcoming fear and finding happiness. An exercise you should try - if you had to describe your self using single words, what would they be? Open yourself up and let it flow. I'll go first.
Words that describe me (some of these have been used by others, not myself)- artist, friend, partner, queer, vegetarian, multi-tasker, sarcastic, intelligent, loving, compassionate, flawed, fat, funny, diabetic, self-conscious, confident, butch, sexual, sweet, passionate, cuddly, daughter, sister, writer, musician, animal lover, activist, tattooed, poor, patient, damaged, empathetic, lonely, optimistic, realist, big-hearted, sensitive, environmentalist, submissive, hopeful, imperfect, failure, resilient, procrastinator, perfectionist, lazy, weak, beautiful, warm, monogamous, human, female.
I want to see your list. Tell me who you are. Be honest, have fun and most importantly, be you.
fearisa4letterword@gmail.com
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