I am Not a Disappointment

I have long-lived my life afraid of one thing, and it's not what you might think. Yes spiders bother me, and so do other things that can be considered creepy, but my fear comes from a different place. It is tied to my self-esteem and confidence issues that developed from my experiences as a "fat person". Here it is, the truth; I have always been afraid of being a disappointment. Yep, to my parents, teachers, peers, significant others and even to people I meet and don't really know well. I confess, it is really hard to put that burden on yourself all of the time. In fact, it is exhausting.

I tend to make light of it now, because I want to move on and leave it behind me, but I have spent the majority of my life being eaten up by self-hatred. It started with the way I was treated by my mom, pediatrician, and others because I was a "fat" kid. I was full of negative emotions and associations because my body was not considered desirable, not up to society's standards. This is what I was told from the time I was old enough to understand what was going on and I took it to heart. Every child does. This is what I believed and it has had long-lasting affects on me.

I couldn't shop in the junior's department as a teenager. No Jordache or Calvin Klein jeans for me during the heyday of designer jeans and Brooke Shields saying, "No one comes between me and my Calvins" in magazines and on giant billboards. This was a great disappointment to my mother, who wanted to dress me in the latest girly fashions from birth until she finally gave up when I was in my 30s. Additionally, society told me that there was no hope of my ever being considered sexually desirable, or of achieving the fantasy life that I'd read about in fairy tales as a child. No, the knight in shining armor was not going to come for me because I was different. It took me a long, long time to realize that I did not need the validation of others. That someone would find me sexually attractive, just as I am. That I am every bit as worthy of love and respect as anyone else. That I had to learn to love myself and let go of the expectations of others. I have had to battle under the weight of all of this and the belief that I have never been good enough. All of this led to my fear of being a disappointment.

So, what do you do when you realize you've wasted years of your life trying to be something you're not and feeling like a huge failure because of it? You crawl out of the hole of negativity you've dug for yourself and keep putting one foot in front of the other. I've spent the past 6-7 years doing increasingly intensive work on myself, trying to get to the bottom of my issues and rid myself of them. I realized the only way I was going to make any progress was through baby steps. I started by not putting unrealistic expectations on myself. Every time we expect to make a huge change, and then can't follow through, we are setting ourselves up for failure. We are human, we make mistakes. The sooner we can accept that, the easier it is to stop beating ourselves up.

Often I am asked to give a step by step explanation of my journey. If only it were that simple and there was a one-size-fits-all answer to eliminating the fear, loneliness, sadness, and self-medicating ways of the world. We are all different, living through our own experiences. I can't tell you how to magically fix your problems. There is no one "diet" that will work for everyone. There is no one way to change all of our issues. There is no magic wand. It took me many years of telling myself I was finally going to change and things were going to be great, followed by epic failure, to figure that out. Here is a list of some examples of things I did, and still do, to finally make changes stick. I will stress that I am still a work in progress, it is a never ending process. There is no such thing as perfection. I mess up, we all do, but the key is to forgive yourself and get back on track as soon as possible.


1. Going to the gym, even if it is for 45 minutes to walk on the treadmill.
It helps me to clear my thoughts and focus on things I should be doing. I ignore everyone else there and just focus on myself and zone out a bit. It's like meditation, in a way. I also enjoy getting exercise and always feel better after I've made myself go. It's not always easy to get motivated, but once I go I feel great.

2. Cutting negative people out of my life.
I do not allow anyone to speak negatively to me, about me or others, and often spend my time calling people out when I hear hate-speech or people being mean to others. I have no patience for those kind of people and do not allow them access to me. Every person is important and their experience is their own. When others try to judge or fit them/me into a mold it really sends me back to my childhood and I will not tolerate it. If someone is making you feel bad about yourself, for whatever reason, you should not give them access to you.

3. Surrounding myself with positive people who love me just the way I am.
I cannot tell you how important this is. When people genuinely love you for you, it makes you feel like you can do anything. It makes my heart happy. I smile and look at things in a whole new way. A positive support system is a powerful thing. I wish everyone had one and there were no lonely, bullied and/or sad people out there. We all deserve love and a safe place with others where we can be ourselves.

4. Changing my eating habits.
This has had a HUGE impact on how I feel and look. I started by cutting out fast food and soda and have worked my way up to a mostly organic, vegetarian diet. It took years to do, but it wasn't that hard when I really focused on how good I was feeling once I had detoxed all of the chemicals and crap out of my system. I still drink coffee and tea. Caffeine is one thing I still allow myself to have. I have lost over 60 pounds. It didn't happen overnight - you have to be patient and not be making changes just for quick gratification. Baby steps. I function better mentally, physically, sexually, and emotionally. I am still heavy and losing more weight gradually, but man do I feel better. One day at a time, right?

5. Forgiveness, for yourself and others.
I know it isn't easy to truly forgive others for things that have happened to you in your life. It is hard to even talk about things like abuse, neglect, shame, ridicule, bullying, humiliation, and worse - all of the horrible things we humans do to one another. But we have to. We need to. Nothing can ever change unless we are able to try to process what happened to us, or others, and begin to let go of the emotional baggage we carry. Guess what? Hurting ourselves over and over again, punishing ourselves because something horrible happened to us, is only going to make us hold on to those negative feelings. It is really freaking hard to do this, but in the end it is a gift we can give ourselves. And we are the only ones who can do that. As soon as I started to let go of the emotional abuse I held on to, as well as the other emotions tied to it, I started to look at things differently. I felt lighter, more at peace. Believe me, I have cried and shouted and screamed at myself over things that I have endured. I was in a  long-term, emotionally abusive relationship, because my self-esteem was so low and I thought I didn't deserve better. It ended horribly - I mean HORRIBLY, but I limped away and that was when I really made the biggest changes in my life. I can look back now, 3 years after that break-up, and see it was something I had to endure to free myself. Don't get me wrong, I still have flashbacks and times when I am triggered by something and I am right back there, in that horrible place. It is a form of PTSD and who knows if it will ever completely go away. The difference is that I pulled myself out and am no longer that person I was. I have moved on. The emotions may come back, but then I realize I am free of that person, of any other burdens from my life, and that I am loved for who I am now. It's amazing what a difference it makes.

I'll return and add more next time. For now, just know that you are unique and deserve to be loved for who you are. I am not a disappointment and neither are you. You are imperfect and flawed, and so am I. And that's okay - I love us just the way we are.

Surprise! I took a break and I'm back.

I always make a vow to do a better job with keeping up with things like this blog. It only takes a few minutes to jot down my thoughts throughout the day and it certainly isn't painful to sit and write for 20 minutes or so, every so often. Yet, I still get caught up in the day to day and forget, or let myself slack because I can't string my thoughts together. In my defense, since my accident last summer I have had problems with focusing my thoughts and capturing what I want to say in a neat and orderly fashion. It can be frustrating and it makes it easier to just cop out and not try.

I am in a position now where I need to write and can no longer let myself off of the hook. Deadlines are looming and I'm also starting a new blog with a good friend of mine and will need to write for that as well. Currently, I'm pondering what to write about for my next zine. The Portland Zine Symposium is coming up and I need to start working on it now, to avoid the last-minute panic. I also will be giving updates on my months as a vegan, which is still an on-going lifestyle for me. Until then... :)

Day 4

I'm starting to settle into looking at food from a vegan perspective. I don't have to eat what others consider to be a "normal" breakfast. This morning I cut up and fried one of the potatoes I'd baked previously with onion and then sauteed zucchini and spinach and topped it with sliced avocado. It was a filling, yet light and tasty meal. I had my morning tea, Darjeeling, and felt pretty satisfied with everything. I didn't miss having an egg with my potatoes at all.

We went to a place in Portland known as "food church". Every Sunday people line up and then are allowed to come in and take what they need from piles of food sourced from local stores - New Seasons, Trader Joe's, Whole Foods, etc. We were 3rd in line and I picked up a few potatoes and yams, bananas, cantaloupe, grapefruit, small tomatoes and chopped veggies for stir-fry. I also picked up 2 types of bread and allowed myself one bagel. All of this food is food that major grocery chains would throw into their garbage compactors and fortunately for those on the lower income levels, like myself, these people collect and distribute food that is past it's prime or imperfect.  I can't explain how wonderful it is to have a source of good quality, mostly organic, vegetarian/vegan foods when you have little or no money. It is priceless.

I just wish more American businesses felt like giving to those in need instead of chucking less-than-perfect items into a trash compactor that crushes and makes sure no one can benefit in any way. They just produce more trash for the landfills. There used to be a time when employees could purchase or take home expired or damaged goods. Companies have become so paranoid of employees deliberately damaging items or benefiting in some way from having access to these things, that they do not allow, and go to great lengths to make sure they don't, get to take any of these items for re-use.

I could go more into detail about my experiences with that, but I'd rather not get sued right now. I will say that I have worked for both Michaels and Home Depot and they make sure things end up in the landfill - no ifs, ands or buts. Michaels will actually have employees spray paint on or break items before they go into the dumpster to prevent re-use. Okay, I've said enough for now. It makes it all the more rewarding to see people working to re-distribute food, something this country wastes by the ton, to those in need.

Later in the day Sam re-created my new favorite sandwich, one I had yesterday at Sweetpea Baking Company in Portland. It is "grilled cheese" (Daiya cheddar) with smoked maple tempeh and avocado on wheat, or in this case, 7 grain bread, because it's what I received from food church. It's delightful comfort food and I highly recommend it. Pair it with any number of delicious side dishes and it's a quick and easy winner that gives you a hug on the inside.

As for how I'm feeling today...no severe hunger pangs and I feel like my blood sugar may be stabilizing a bit with the new food combos. I feel like I'm processing the food, instead of it sitting in my stomach for a while. I don't feel "full", I feel satisfied. Hopefully that makes sense, but it's the best way I can describe it. I feel like my digestive system is really working quickly and the food is not sitting for long. At the same time I'm not ravenously hungry and feel more calm about getting to my next meal. It's a good thing and I'm looking forward to reporting how I feel on day 7.

Day 1

Today was my first official day as a vegan. I started off simply, with some organic cereal and soy milk. By lunchtime I was really wanting to eat something, but pushed on and went to my gallery to drop off some new work and talk about next month's show. I had a piece of French bread while there and just when I was starting to feel sick-hungry (my own fault for not being prepared), my girlfriend texted and invited me over for a meal and a smoothie. It was yummy and I was oh, so grateful.

I should explain that I don't do well when I'm hungry. I feel sick to my stomach and it comes on very quickly. It's just the way I am. Might have to do with my medication I take for diabetes. They're pills, so I'm guessing they are time-released. It would explain the sudden waves of hunger I get too.

I made a stop at the grocery store on my way home and picked up what I think are staples for quick and healthy meals. Quinoa pasta and polenta, red quinoa, spinach, carrots, potatoes, an onion, salsa, cucumber, green onions and avocados rounded out my buying for today. I have organic pasta sauce in a jar, a few of them, and it is really easy to slice and fry up polenta and top it with sauce and wilted spinach. I also planned and made a large quinoa salad for tonight and tomorrow using the green onions, cucumber, carrots and avocado. I toss it with my favorite dressing, Annie's Shitake Sesame. No sugar and no dairy = awesome.

I used this evening to bake 3 potatoes while I made the salad. I ate one and have the other two ready to fry up or re-heat when I get hungry tomorrow. I also have left over quinoa salad, so I think my lunch is taken care of. Yay! I'll most likely have cereal again in the morning because it is fast and easy. I need to switch back to unsweetened coconut milk or almond milk because I am upping my soy intake in other areas of my meals.

I had a talk with my mom tonight on the phone and explained to her what I can or can not eat now. She didn't know what quinoa was, so it gave me a chance to teach her something new. As old-fashioned as she is, it's nice to know she's at least trying to be supportive and understanding.

Today's biggest challenge was getting hungry and not having food nearby and ready to eat. I definitely need to work on keeping snacks in my car for times like that. Some of my faves are Primal Strips, nuts ( I like most of them and usually have a mixed bag with me), fresh fruit and in some cases a pbj sandwich. I'm sure this will evolve as I find myself needing more substantial snacks to curb those sudden hunger attacks.

I find myself looking ahead at day 2 and at least I know I have some prepared food handy and supplies to get me through a few more days. Go team vegan!

p.s. - I posted a status update on Facebook about going vegan and friends were supportive, but not nearly as many people "liked" it as did when I announced I was going vegetarian. Perhaps they think I'm radical now?

And here's the problem with a bucket list...

I was feeling really happy about crossing things off of my bucket list. Something I didn't expect was the way it would make me feel physically. To deliberately go out and eat back to back to back foods that are very rich and loaded with dairy products does eventually take its toll. Especially when you are someone who is somewhat allergic to dairy.

Blech. That is how I feel right now. I was trying to rid my house of the last of the non-vegan foods yesterday and today and it just pushed me over the edge. I even had to turn down an invite to the Mongolian grill, one of my favorites, tonight. Argh! I don't even know if I can bring myself to eat the last 2 eggs in my fridge. It sounds ridiculous, but the thought of it makes me not want to eat. So, I will not eat, until this blech feeling passes. I think it was my eating the last Amy's cheese pizza for lunch that did it. Carbs + cheese = :/

On a positive note, I am just about ready to call myself a vegan. It's a scary first step and a big one, but I'm ready. I just need to buy a few groceries and make sure I'm prepared and I will give the green light and announce my new status on Facebook. That's how all things become official nowadays, right?

Welcome to 2012. So far, so good.

I ushered in the new year by spending a quiet weekend with my partner on her farm. We spent the week before working our way through my "I'm going vegan, what foods will I miss bucket-list". We went for the best of local favorites with hand-made ice cream, pizza that you have to wait in line for, crepes, omelettes, and more. We rang in the new year with my mom's lasagna recipe (the vegetarian version), tiramisu (I'd never had it) and locally made marionberry cheesecake. It was an overload of rich and delicious dairy-filled foods.

Yes, I am going vegan. It's funny how people have reacted to this news. Some say, "How will you live without ______?" Usually it's ice cream, but sometimes other foods people can't believe I'd live without. Everyone has been supportive though. I am not going vegan in order to look down on others and judge them. I am not going to become a more radical activist than I already am. I will not suddenly hate meat-eaters. When I became a vegetarian I did it for moral and ethical reasons. I became someone who was happy to talk with people about factory farming, fast food and why they should care about where and how there food is produced. Going vegan is the next step for me and I am doing this strictly for my health.


Over the last year or so I have been reading a lot about research in regard to diabetes and heart disease. It has been proven that a vegan diet can cure or slow down these diseases. If my giving up ice cream and cheese will prolong my life and make me happy and healthy, why wouldn't I try it? The one thing I have learned is that you can have delicious pizza without cheese, sorbets, a latte with soy or almond milk and vegan baked goods so good you'll never know the difference. I am going to be just fine.

I live outside of Portland, Oregon. I am fortunate enough to be close to vegan-friendly restaurants and bakeries. I have many friends who are either vegetarian or vegan. They get it. I have already been flooded with suggestions for restaurants and blogs with recipies to try. My vegan friends want to help me every way possible. My partner is behind me 110% and is already cooking vegan meals for me and likes to help me when I talk about needing meal ideas. If anything, this is bringing us closer as a couple.

I know I sound like I have the world in the palm of my hand and this will be a piece of cake (vegan, of course). The truth is I am nervous and a bit scared that I will fail. We humans are exactly that, human. I am not the biggest go-getter when it comes to being creative with breakfast foods when I have to get to work or school. I have always fallen back on eggs and toast because it is quick and delicious. I have 5 beautiful chickens in my backyard who produce eggs and I will be handing them over to my partner and her mom to eat. This makes me a bit sad. In order to succeed, I have to get over these hurdles.

I have to face the fact that the one fast food place I frequent, because of their local and natural foods and vegetarian options, may be off of the table. Their vegetarian options generally contain cheese, which I can't have. This means I will not have an option to stop and grab food on the days when I'm rushing around. I will be forced to think ahead and have food prepared. I need to break out of some old habits, but I am going to do my best.

I also am making a pact with myself that I will return to the gym. I am still recovering from my accident last summer with the drunk driver, but it's time to start moving more. I also want to return to yoga classes, something I'd just started getting into when the accident happened. I'm going to be using this blog and my zine to share this adventure with whoever wants to follow along with me. I will share the things I learn and recipies I try, blogs and on-line resources, as well as my day to day emotions and results. Hopefully this will be a successful journey and I promise to do my best. Follow along and feel free to email me or comment with your feedback or suggestions. You can even join in if you'd like. Here's to 2012 - a year of health and happiness.

So, What Are You Afraid Of?

As a social scientist I constantly examine my place in the world and interaction with others. I realize I am always looking at how I move through my surroundings and those I come in contact with. I believe when it comes to conquering fears that are instilled in us by our own culture and societal norms, one must be self-aware and also examine and be prepared to reject much of the societal expectations that have been placed on us. In other words, reject what you are being told you should be and be yourself. We are all being told we are not perfect, ideal, smart or sexy enough, when we should be embracing our uniqueness. The things we need to buy in order to become a better us are dictated to us constantly. That's a lie. We need to be focused on loving ourselves, not on what "they" tell us we need to do in order to conform.  

Every day I see people who are afraid, lonely, unhappy and insecure. I think we need to stop being afraid to give and receive love. This has nothing to do with sex. It is about opening yourself up to others, genuinely caring about them and being able to empathize. Don't give in to those who want you to think of everyone else as the "others", as less than. Think about why you dislike certain people. If they have been horrible to you, perhaps forgive them and move on. If not, re-evaluate what has made you feel the way you do about them. It is not okay to hold on to all of the negative, angry thoughts and feelings you have. It only weighs you down and makes you miserable. Try to let it go and move forward. Do what you need to do to find joy, passion and love, for yourself and those around you.

I'm not talking about giving up everything and living in a tent somewhere (unless that is what will make you truly happy). I'm saying we need to be able to see things that influence us in a negative way for what they are. For me it is television, Corporate America, politics, the business of "beauty" and fallout from a horrible break up that re-surfaces when I least expect it. To be able to cut as many of those negative things out of our daily existence as possible, that is the way to silence the voices that are influencing us and start conquering many of our fears. Once you're not focused on the overwhelming horror stories on the nightly news or thinking about something bad that happened to you or constantly being bombarded with images of what corporations say is the standard for beauty, you can move forward in a positive frame of mind.

We also need to be able to hold those influences at arms-length and really examine what good there is in the world, in addition to the bad. Stop being afraid to live your life. Don't let the media scare you into hating another race or culture or group of people. Stop hiding in your house, at work, in your day to day activities. I have encounters with both positive and negative people every day. Some days it's hard to ignore those who seem bound and determined to dump on others and I feel sorry for them. They are missing out on the opportunity to really dig in and enjoy their lives. If I could do one thing for you, for everyone, it would be to help you let that negative, fear-driven stuff go and start finding out who you are, what you need (versus want) and what really makes you happy.

Fear is a 4-letter word, but then so are other words like good, give, hugs, dogs, cats, kids, live and most important of all - love. So get out there, hold your head up high, enjoy this life you've been given and share the love.